Monthly Archives: March 2010

Just when HE thought LoVe was in the AiR. I said “In LoVe and WaR, all is FaIr”!!


 

wen it started.. :)

Back from office..manoeuvering the laptop bag over my flimsy shoulders…I nearly swooned when I saw him…I didn’t even burden my tiny head to think…how could he be there…The keys were with me…???!!

Well then I switched on the lights and then there was an exchange of acknowledgement..warm or perhaps too hot!!

I didnt ask him how he managed to get in after all the efforts I had piped in…for making my house..MY HOUSE…and not somebody else’s…Just forget it…!! I knew I just couldn’t get away with him…

From the common area to the bedroom I went…putting off the lights…and he came with me…It wasn’t worth refusing…he simply wouldn’t listen …

So I waited…until I could change into my favourite cream skirt and my worn out blue T-shirt….There was no wasting time in such a situation… 🙂

The moon light was streaming on my face and…the faint stars lit the sky….the leaves whispered to each other in the breath-taking breeze….and I knew..we wouldn’t find each other at ease… I wanted to put on the light..so that I could see him clearly…and he certainly resisted..just when the Power went off!!….well I cried  out to him…”Your wish granted Sir!!!…So lets play hide and seek then…”

With all the romance in the air..wafting off to my bedroom…I think..it would be too much if I start describing it… 😛

I knew myself…as to how much I could take in and exactly what could sway me off my feet…that is to precisely say…I knew what my limitations were…and how should I not be carried away..when I see him…But..unfortunately….he simply didn’t want to think we had any limitations as such…Audacious as he has always been… He kept on pushing it and I had to ultimately give in….

With the setting Sun and the rising moon …the feelings in us had taken a very interesting form…indescribable …and unutterable..

I went on to ‘see’ him then…he just kept moving away…and then when he came..I really felt strange…I was smouldered with shyness…the darkness of the night sky could not hide the rosy flames on my cheeks…I was angry….perhaps not on him…on myself..on my inability to resist myself ….

The gusto flushed my cheeks pink and red…you may term that I blushed…and I actually don’t know…how to say that I didn’t either..

Then the seeks became vigorous and there were no hides…but all my seeks were in vain…he knew I was angry with myself and he knew anger made me pell-mell…he had the benefit of his wisdom about me..perhaps he knew me too well…

He constantly came and touched me…with his faint whispers…I didnt want to react…as I was left completely helpless with the darkness …inside and out…

Why am I always this way..when he’s near me??…can’t I be a bit rational and act sane …???..am I not supposed to give the situation the best possible outcome…and do what is expected of me…

Well I had tried my hands at that….51 times in my life perhaps….all these were futile….I wished and wished and wished…

Could my 52nd date be any different???

perhaps Yes….probably nooo..

or May be I don’t know… 🙂

I held my breath for the moment..i knew it would come….and ofcourse it came…

when he stared at me…I had to avert my gaze…I knew that he knew….I had given in..

He whispered again…touched me….and touched my cheek with his lips…perhaps that’s called a Kiss…

So then he had kissed me….and how was I supposed to react??

I didn’t know…as always ….Just that..it was my 52nd date and I should make it different …memorable….

I realised..he had kissed me…I knew..I couldnot defy then..I knew I could not kiss him as well…I knew I had my limitations….

There was a blank in my head as I realised there was no going back…I lifted my head up..the Moon had risen high..playing hide and seek…with the fluffy clouds..purple darkness… milky whiteness….milky whiteness and purple darkness…took their turns…

Hide and seek it was too….

Suddenly there was a sensation in me…an urge..to make my 52nd date embossed in the book of time forever…!

I sprang up…my pace was as quick as I was clumsy…I fumbled in the darkness..as my heart said..it saw him better this way than when in blinding light…Sometimes an intuition and an unwavering will is all you need..

bang …I hit my bed post…Ouch….ouch..ouch….and then a..

SMACK!!

He heaved a sigh on my palms….Even in death he clung to me as in life…

Blood tinted my cheeks and my fingers…

My cheeks ..where He had kissed me a while ago….. a rush of red promptly replaced the blush of pink …as I smiled to myself and thought ..he got what he wanted and I got what I had long waited for…

and even while moving on..he ensured that I slap myself hard to get him out of my life… 😦

He had pushed me too hard and little did he know that…the pain was worth it… 🙂

The moon shone bright and the clouds had melted away..the Hide was finally over and the Seek was  with the moon….the breeze continued…even cooler and sweeter…

I rushed to the washroom…tottering in darkness…A pint of  Dettol on my palms..then a pint of Garnier on my cheeks…and Lo!! I had successfully wiped the evidence of the gruesome event…

So …The marks were gone forever….as was he….

I would certainly miss him..as he was one my all time favourites…my entertainment hero for dragging me to exercise and driving away my  boredom..as I frantically jumped and clapped all through the house…most of the summer evenings ..running after him..

But he had to go…and It had to happen soon…

Now….I do not have to go on narrating..the Classic..”The MOSQUITO and ME”… :)…

Yippeee!!! 🙂 😀 😛 My 52nd Date turned out to be different… in fact the best one ever!!!

After all…. the Romance was only in the air and now its Gone with the Wind!!…

I now chuckle to myself and say…”All is fair in love and war!!! “ .. 😛

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O Stranger! How can I say Thank you!


..Dont know where it all started…but before I could realise..it was too late…I had already been attacked by..what I called “Crossophobia“…traffic panciked me…the very thought of crossing a busy road kept me at home on bright spring days…

You may term it as.. lack of confidence… I may not agree with you, but neither can I shoo it away completely ….Never for anything else in my life, have I felt …what I feel on seeing a road zooming with traffic…

Cars honking madly at each other..make me a lunatic ..The traffic signals, indications of the Traffic police have always gone over my head tangentially… I can swear by God…that Traffic signs for me are as apprehensible as Rocket Science..!! :D….

So Delhi…one of the most thronged cities of India…had always been on the top of my phobia list…

I had heard people say..”God puts you before what you most fear ..so that you will emerge courageous…stronger and  …victorious…”

And perhaps..for God ..I was no exception…

After drenching myself in the Mysore rains…I had to come to Delhi to gather dust…Cant say how and when…just as it was happening..I feel I have changed a lot..  Sure..it was to happen..the dust on the Delhi streets has settled over the rain drops clinging to my body from Mysore…and they have given me the smell of the dry earth being sprinkled with rain drops…. a colour of the golden mud…While some may call the smell and the sight..DIVINE…for others it can be just another repulsive sight…

So the cold war began… The Traffic… the Crowd would never stop for me…So.. why do I stop for them…??? I would wage a war..a Cold war…

And Sure enough …cold it was for me ..

With every sight of a road to be crossed..I got cold feet…and with every step I took while crossing it..I was drenched in cold sweat…cold were my heart beats and cold was I……Even after having crossed the road…the thought of having done so…. made me shiver from disbelief..for another fifteen minutes..cold blood rushing through my veins  and making me numb…..(or rather Dumb!! 😛 )….So cold it was for me…that it left me..frozen to death…

But then there were people…some people around me…well Colleagues at firstno rather friends… Perhaps much more than that….probably..One my Breath and the other my Beats… No …in Short..THE Rolly and THE Ahmad for me…

We had stuck by each other in the hardest of times…and put up cat fights in the most trifle of matters…I guess that describes all… 🙂

I clung to their palms…mine all sweaty…and theirs perhaps a Solace to me…                                                                                                            She would drag me safely and sometimes get reprimanded for that….and he would gently take me by my arm..never forgetting the basic difference that existed between him and me… 🙂

But it was a shortcoming …and I was unable to bear it..With each passing day…                                                                                                           An indistinct indifference irked me each moment of the day…I could hold their hands..while crossing my life…but I just didn’t want to hold them while I crossed the road… 🙂

I wanted a confident chuckle to burst from my cheeks with every cross-road in life …and I wanted to do it all alone…

So that I could stand up in front of the mirror and say…”Yes Pamela…You can do it”…and See my reflection wave back to me and say..”I trust you..”

Days went by …I stopped counting them as weeks rolled over…then there had to be months….and then there were the seasons…

I had dried up my tears in the dry autumn..that brought me to Delhi…I froze my emotions and crystallized myself into a cold stone..with the chilling winter….thinking that my fears would never spill out from my cold surface…

fortunately or unfortunately… I was wrong…

But then..after every winter comes a Spring…melting the ice crystals all over…I found myself changing again..hope to despair and now despair to hope….The hope this time was sweeter…perhaps the water from the melting ice is always better than the one which has never experienced seasons..

So…one day ..the Spring Bloomed a lovely afternoon in my life…

Rolly, Ahmad and I set out to the nearby Rail-Bhawan to fetch some tit-bits at the lunch break. It was the same story…I was the cheese in the Sandwich while tip-toeing through that busy road….

But the story wasn’t exactly the same…

Something changed…. and it changed Something forever…

On the way back…I received my Mummy’s call…and with the “Hello”..there also burst a giggle…an innocent and abrupt..grin across my face…and a loud….”WOOOOOOOOOOOW……Kete saara Pigeons… ” we had just intruded the chowraha..where hundreds of pigeons were flying hanky-panky….!!! Strange Sight…!!…and then…something even stranger…

A lean little girl ..Ummm not so little…probably just like me..clung tight to my arm…just as we were about to cross the road…Rolly and Ahmad were taken aback..and I stood there completely flummoxed…

Before I could ask ..a few quick words..”WhO…WhAt and WhY Me?”… She uttered something magical… which I was hearing for the very first time in my life…” I want to cross the road…and I can’t ..Please ..take me there…I ..ummmm…actually …..umm please…..”

Then ….did I think twice…?? Strangely No!!!…I mean I said …”YES!!! …ya sure…” and that..with such grace….as if I had been doing that …ever since I had learnt to walk..!! 😛

As if suddenly all wisdom struck me…As if I was not I , me not me….. Suddenly the sounds didn’t matter and the crowd faded away..the honking…it just seemed distant..everything vanished…all I could then see was the other end of the road..where she wanted to go…

I pressed her hands in mine…for the first time I wasn’t embarrassed by my wet palms….and the sweat in her palms..seemed like a coolant to me… :)..

we kept walking…oblivious of the noise, the traffic, the jostling crowd….the pigeons…The Rolly …The Ahmad…

I asked her …”how many years..in Delhi..”…She mumbled..6 years..and you?”..

I was proud to say..I have persisted.. 6 long months….since Sept 14…

then again..she asked..”which way are you going??”…..I returned….“which way are you going??”…

That was it…I went past my office …and walked with her…to the other side of the lane…

Something which I had never done before… all alone..not even for myself…

Then there was no losing time…I hicupped the last question…rather my last words…with her..”WHY ME?? !!?!”…

the reply makes me ponder even today…”You were happy to see those Pigeons…”..

She jumped over into the bus..there was no waving…there was no good-bye…not even a Thank You..

There was no time to ask her name…and there was no time to think..and determine what I got back …

There was just..No time to realise..I had one more road to cross alone…

Ahmad had come over ..to make me cross again…

But I couldn’t notice him…I think I crossed the lane..by myself..

Rolly and Ahmad..were chortling with laughter…saying…”Pammi should get a Bravery Award for the feat…One who doesn’t know how to cross herself…sets out guiding others… :P”..!!!

But then it hardly mattered…I knew what I’d got..

I was at the crossroad of my life…not knowing which step to take and how big my step should be…and whether to take the right or that which was left… I didn’t know..it myself…

And she was a Stranger…How did she know..what I was to do???..I’m perplexed…” How did she know that getting across the Central Secretariat Crossing …would make me get across the Crossroad I was standing at in life…??

I   don’t promise …I will begin to like the Delhi crowd…the mad traffic….                                                                                                                            I don’t promise ….I wouldn’t be scared to cross the road alone..ever again…                                                                                                            I  don’t promise I would gracefully walk across and never panic….

But I certainly do promise…I will wipe my sweaty palms on my T-shirt…won’t be embarrassed that I panic….Look   at the Bhagwanji’s wallpaper on my cellphone…smile to myself and say….”Yes..you have done  it before …and you can do it now…you can trust YOURSELF Pammi…Go on…”

I cannot muster up words to mumble…What I have got from YOU…

Neither will YOU ever know….that…

“You have given me …ME…the me that I had always longed for…

Lucky that you didn’t say a Thank you…because I don’t know how am I to pay back…what you have given me….You have gifted me your confidence and You have gifted me mine too dear…

Just tell me….Tell me please…

O Stranger….how can I ever say …THANK YOU….

hmm atlast...I did it..

From an Engineer.To an Engineer.


 

Hey! My Life Transformer!!

I just ponder about that fated day when you were installed in my Hearts domain, hacked into my emotion’s namespace…

Completely breaking down all my circuit connections with the other girl/ girls( whichever is applicable)…  🙂 The moment the rays from your tender body fell upon the convex lens in my eyes…I knew it was the Eureka Moment…it’s gonna be a static binding forever…

My LEDs have given away their dim twitter- witter to emanate radiance like a fluorescence lamp..

However vehemently I may resist the electrons and protons of my feelings they simply suggest your name darling..as if every node in this linked-list is connected to one node that is YOU!!!…

All..my SQL queries just lead me to the one database that has all answers- that is YOU!!!

Well..if you ask me dear..I want to say, instead of repelling each  other like “Like Charges“…why can’t we just form a Cooper pair.

You are my Grignnards Reagent (R-Mg-‘X’ factor), my catalyst for all the organic and inorganic reactions of my life…

You’ve simply become Recursion for me….whatever branch the while loop takes …all the conditions are satisfied by only one input, i.e. YOU!!!

With this overflowing stack of feelings, I Query you today…” How can you be in Homoeostasis when all I have is Entropy?”…

“How can your Hardness Factor be so high in the ‘Mohs scale’ that even my Trojan Horse cannot gallop into your heart??….

I promise you dear..you can curb all my 6 degrees of freedom….and I assure you..I can adjust my frequency till eternity to lie in your Bandwidth of criterias…”

Look Darling.. I candidly admit…I have deleted all my past love/ loves 🙂 into the Recycle Bin, formatted all my past Entity Relationship Diagrams from my Hard Disk…”

Now, you are the only component of all my Memory Chips…

Even I have planned our cute little Binary Tree… with you and me forming our “HUM DO HAMARE DO….NANHE-MUNNE –ROM & RAM…”

Now don’t be a PUSH-PULL circuit whenI am pulling you close to me…just don’t push me away…

Please Sweetheart…Bubble-Sort all my dreams, concatenate my love with yours, Forward Bias my emotions…

Please don’t Quarantine my love for you…simply be my Quick Heal and heal my woes away… 🙂

Just Catch() my heart, when I Try() to Throw() it to you...

Because….YOU are the only Exception I want to handle….. all my life…

  

Yours forever…