Tag Archives: challenge

No dream too distant…


Almost half a year gone by…when I had to relinquish all that i was passionate about in this world…except ‘that one dream’ which dragged me along this way…

The Day of Deliverance came and went …but the question mark remained as glaring as it ever could be… 😦

In the heat of the June Sun…squatting on one of the million  footpaths of Delhi…for not less than three hours that sunday…I was trying to figure out…”whether time changed me or I could change the time?”…

just 2 years back I could never imagine myself here…never crossing a street alone without panicking, never travelling places without biting off my nails…never fending for myself without grumbling about life….

But LO!

things change…and change they do…pretty fast!!!

Nibbling on the dry cake slices…trying to quell my rumbling stomach…I was nervous trying not to get nervous…

As I frantically turned the pages of my book…I was reminded of those days when daddy would stuff the pulaw into my mouth…rattling on formulas…

These breaks between 2 seatings of an exam would drive me nuts…all the more with tons of people around… pampering me with all their attention… 🙂

Now, there was no time to act jittery…no time to indulge in nervousness…

I was supposed to be a big girl and act like one as well… :P:(

I  couldn’t afford to cry…I couldn’t afford being a delicate darling…

I had to put up a brave face, manage a plastic smile….and epitomize nerves of iron …while the life changing moment awaited me…

There were some pretty sophisticated girls in there too…munching on sandwiches…enjoying the ac of their SUV…as I shook of the ants that fell upon me from the tree above…while I clung to the Footpath on the dirty newspaper…looking like one on a Hunger strike… 😛

But somehow it did not invoke even a tinge of sadness in me…I smiled at myself!

The day that I wished to live…would be the day… when I would pull down the window glass of my car to take a look at the country crowd…while they would consider me the raison’ d etre of their happiness and welfare….

and the day that is to get me this day, is the day I’m squatting on the footpath staring into this SUV…trying hard to see through the dark glass…thinking…”will that girl in there be able to make it to glory….will she see be able to see the burning problems of the people…never having tanned herself in the sun…”

Such a peculiar dream it was…it would lead me to a Crystal Palace ….but the pavement is full of shards of glass… and there’s only this one way…I’m not allowed any slippers ..nor do I have any iron feet…the only thing I can ask for and would be granted is an Iron will….

Now its time for me to choose…

But I want to go in…go in there desperately…coz if I dont..this dream would always remain a dream so distant, as painful when wide awake …as blissful when in slumber…. 😦

I will have to go…the Crystal Palace is calling me…

But so tough it is…they ask me “shed thy blood but never thy tear…”

And so I tread on…on shards of glass tearing my feet apart…but there’s immense pleasure…astounding bliss with each bleeding drop…and So I would never stop until I claim  that crystal throne in that crystal palace …”

…..The bell rung…time flew by…the bell rung again…

and I started walking…for one of the few times, knowing exactly where to go…fearlessly crossed d road…bargained with the auto-walla bhaiya..for every single penny…(earning and not earning had taught me the difference well !! 😛 )

Reached home…

Didn’t know how I had fared…and didn’t want to know either…

With every single moment…the anxiousness driving me crazy…i just wanted to survive with the hope I had borrowed from God..

It could be so..that I would be led to my Crystal Palace…It could be what I had long desired, It could be what I had long deserved….or it could simply be His grace…a miracle…

The rules are fair…but they are fairly tough as well…

It could be so..that they shoo me away rite at their doorstep….I might  have had trodden the tortuous path…I might have had shed my blood…

But they might say…I didn’t follow their rule…I shed my blood…but I might have shed my tear as well…

hmmmmm….a deep sigh was all I could afford to have….soaked in sweat, drenched with doubts…

But somewhere my heart said…”while worrying about the Life full of exams…I had somehow miraculously passed in the exam of life”… 🙂

I had learnt to be on my own…I had learnt to bear a frozen heart when things turned out exactly the opposite of what I wished for….I had learnt to burn in nervousness while braving the sweetest smile ever… 🙂

…I could see the crystal doors now…opening and closing at their fancy…

I could not see myself in there…But atleast I could see those doors..

I knew I wasn’t there yet…but I knew…it wasn’t far off either…and one of these days I was going to make it through that Crystal door….and claim that Crystal palace forever… 🙂 🙂

My dream may be distant…

but I am equally adamant… 😀

i have nurtured within me the patience to wait…

And i know …my Iron Will will change my fate…

Yeah!!

No dream is too distant to achieve …

Only if you believe!!

What Does it take to be Happy??


I know this picture didn’t seem pretty enough..surely not one to be put in this Blog…my blog…owned by somebody…who had been so choosy throughout her life…

But then…surely it was something that made me think again…about what I am …what I could have been …what I never was…or what I never would be…

Being too much fussy about the perfect shade of pink for my skirts ….other than the 8 other shades that I already had …I had rather forgotten to think…to think about those girls of my age…who would never know what a pink is…

The story of the little boy who ceased to complain about the shoe that hurt his feet..until one day he found one who didn’t have feet at all..seemed just too touchy feely …to shed a tear or two and quote as an ideal story to any sensible circle….the mails about how much food we waste and how much we grumble about the taste, while millions died of hunger…seemed just a thing to pass on to all those on my mailing list…and show how sensitive and humane I was….

It so happened that one day I came to know the value of a choice …how unhappy I was being able to afford one..and how glad they were..never been considered to make one…

As we set out to explore the New Friends colony near our apartments…I had no idea I would be made to face an inevitable insurgence within me…

After having a sumptuous dinner..the custom said an ice cream cone wouldn’t take too much space in an already overstuffed stomach…So we set out to the Gelatos an Italian Ice-cream corner…Fussying over the flavors and the scoop or the cone choice…each of us got to have their say…

Well Gelatos had to taste good after all the bucks we blew away for those meager spoonfuls…But Lo!…each of us screwed our brows over the taste and the middle class man in us began lamenting about the wallets being emptied over the cones…

And that made us hold on to the cones…trying hard to like the taste, convincing ourselves..it wasn’t all a waste….

Shops…book carts…cinemas… salons.. spas…food courts apart from the young funky mass thronged the place…After all it was the New Friends Colony…one of the Posh areas of Delhi…but then wasn’t it a part of this planet..where also lived many semi-clad, half naked, half-fed-hollow-eyed people…millions of street children…just like us but unfortunately so unlike us…

Time had taught them to know how to make the best of their surrounding…what if they didn’t have the best of the lives…they would still flaunt an animated curve under their running noses…Really time had taught them well…

Such a bunch was hanging around us too…a 7 year old “big” girl with her year old sibling hanging around her waist…and a couple of other under 10 boys …

well begging was their job…not that it was the best profession in the world…but they just had it…call it livelihood …or call it liking….

It wasn’t that great when you saw those blank faced children tugging at your tea-shirt as you licked on your cone…Not that I have poured out my sympathy to such children of the street all my life…not that I feel that’s the only option they have…not that pity is the only thing I can offer them…but yes…yes that it was easy for us to sit back and scorn at how lazy and sly these kids were to beg around…to shop for our sympathies…while I felt why couldn’t my mom offer me the glass of water as I sat gaping at the TV in an AC room…thinking it was too hot for me to step out….

It has always been like this for us and it has always been like this for them…each of us have inherited our fates and fortunes..and each of us are trying to convert it into something a bit different than what we have been handed over with….

Well…it didn’t take them long to realize …the ice-creams didn’t taste that great to us…and perhaps they could have a day with it…as one of us handed over the cone to one of them with an expression of relief of getting rid of that melting thing….I found my insides melting away…yes an inevitable insurgence gaining pace within me…

I had a tough time explaining my never understanding self…it wasn’t the 80 bucks that would go away…if I gave away that thing to that creature near me…It was The knowing…that how can she like something that I detested…how can I accept that I was sooo Lucky that I was not her,…when all my life I had grumbled about the things I never had…. about the happiness that God gave me so little….about the fate that was never right..and so many things that made me sooo unfortunate…..The Knowing that how can she be happy taking something in …that I was so happy getting rid off….??

The Knowing hurt me badly….it really did…

I gave her the thing anyway as did the others…the pale-faced jumped off in delight…having had her delicacy of the day….

I was losing myself again….

The winter couldn’t chill me…neither could the ice-cream as I watched the goose bumps on their naked bodies and felt too hot inside my jacket…Huh! The jacket wasn’t right of course!!….or perhaps right wasn’t I…..

They went away merrily…but I couldn’t have my calm…not that I had my calm earlier…grumbling about things I never had…rather than being grateful for the things I had…was my habit or perhaps my hobby….

Well food was not something I ever put in garbage bins….even the lights and the fans I always put –off when I left the rooms irrespective of office or home…Squandering away resources has never been my virtue…

So this story gave me a different lesson…

The question that disturbed me was “What does it take to be happy…??”

I had all the stuff that I wished to have at some point or other in my life…I had all the people I ever needed,… caring for me at all the walks of my life…I had all of the everything that was tangible and intangible…virtual or real….

But something I never had was happiness…Now tell me what does it take to be happy…I was utterly confused about all the choices I had and always disturbed about the choice that turned out to be not so commendable….

Here I remember a video that I so proudly added to my Orkut…called as ‘Chicken –la –carta’…it had won an award in the Berlin Film Festival for the best Documentary…

A worker in a restaurant brings in the left-over chicken bones in a big bin for the poor and hungry children of his village…and as the children pounce onto the Chicken bones…with so much of hunger and so much of happiness…this is what the video says…

“Let me tell their story,

You won’t think it’s true..

I have not forgotten ..

So I am sharing it with you…

For all the things we know …

What have we really learned??

Though I close my eyes…

The images remain…

And their story begins again…

Let me tell their story

That no one else can hear…

How can someone’s’ laughter

bring me close to tears….

And you will never know…

Cause you have never been there…

After what we have seen…

Can we close our eyes again…???


Well how true…”How can someone’s laughter bring me close to tears…??

For all the things we know…what have we really learnt…??”…

Yeah…I really doubt what I have learnt…and I am really confused as to why their delight was despair to me that moment…Perhaps because they were happy with something I was so unhappy with ….Perhaps because they knew what could make them happy and I didn’t …Perhaps because they knew their choices well or Perhaps because they didn’t have any choice at all…

yeah with all the things they could never have …they only could have a choice to rejoice…with whatever they had…

Usually as I pen down my thoughts…I become clear by the end of the last full-stop…about what it was… that was so very disturbing…about how to handle the thing…the feeling …or rather the fact that it was disturbing me…

But unfortunately it isn’t so this time…I am utterly confused as I had never been before…I still don’t know how to go about the choices in my life…and I still find myself wanting sooo many things that I do not possess today….I still don’t know how to have The choice to rejoice as the only choice in life….I still don’t know whether I am happy…and I still don’t know…how should I go about if I am unhappy today…..

Well Happy or Unhappy…I consider myself fortunate that I am not her…

I consider myself fortunate that I can afford to have a choice…what if I haven’t figured out which is the right one…there would certainly be hidden The Choice to Rejoice in the choice heap….and one day I would certainly find it in the pile…

But then apart from the million other questions that have remained unanswered within me…this one would take me a life time to figure out….”What does it take to be happy?? ”…..

Tell me ….”What does it take to be happy??”

Someday. Somewhere.I will be WANTED.


 I can only pray...

There’s nothing exotic dat one can notice in me…
N find nothing fantastic even if u try hard 2 see..
Bt i still labour under the delusion dat,
I am UNIQUE, I am different n I am SPECIAL….

If not anybody’s dearest…
At least I can be d apple of my own eyes…

Never mind!!
I can say I’m happy
even if my smile is just a veneer…
even if loneliness n insecurity engulf me….
I’ll try hard to quell my fear.

It’s been a long time now….
I’ve been dancing the pas de deux alone…..
humming my own melancholy tune…
Now even memories from d past dwindle away…
I try to hold them down ,
but they just never stay…

Sometimes…..
I runaway from my thoughts.
N at times my thoughts keep running away from me..
I try hard to gather them all..
but often,I just breakdown and fall…

Contemplating too much abt wat others think of me…and how they feel….
I lament for all those days when I lost track of my own feelings,my own emotions n my zeal….

Living d present lackadaisically, with occasional bursts of enthusiasm…..
I keep thinking of the halcyon old days when I emanated bliss like d colors from a prism….

Well….
wat d future holds for me, is yet another enigma…..
A treasure chest??..an empty coffer?? or just another Pandora’s box???…..

Whatever it is….
whether truth or hoax,

I just pray….

God give me strength …to face it undaunted…
enlighten my soul today….
so that someday….somewhere….
I will be WANTED….

 

 

 

P.S: Its been a while now…that I had forgotten Myself…Now once again..remembering what I was…when I had written this piece an year back…I realise ..I havent changed much…whatever the change …it was just for a while…and now its gone …

Well I have to admit…Reminding me of Myself ..was a pleasure…and a great one indeed.. 🙂

This New Year…



31622400 seemed just a pretty big number…
until today when I began to ponder…

So many precious seconds just slipped away..
While i kept wondering..”Whether I could??

                                                   Whether I should??..

                                                                                     Whether I may??”

But with this New Year dawned a beautiful beginning,
When I had to grab the seconds and tried to make life “Happen”!

Change seemed quite imposible,
When suddenly i saw a way visible.

I just have to promise to keep my promises alive..
Never wait for a tomorrow and today I have to strive…

Today! I wont wait for somebody to show me the way
Taking Life by the reins, I will take a bold lead..
Just a bit of “Belief” is all that I need…

With an iota of confidence..
I will march forward with prudence…

I haven’t spoken up for myself yet..
and I wont do it even today…
My perseverance will earn me the right moment..
When what needs to be spoken my actions will say..

Brimming with this dedication that I have never felt before..
I know I can challenge all challenges..and be ready for more…

By doubling my efforts while basking in ardent zeal…
Im certain success will be no big deal..!!

This New Year!!

P.S:  The balls on the top two ramps represent the minutes and the balls on the bottom ramp represent the hours in the pic above.