Tag Archives: despair

Nights of nothingness…


I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.

The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.

Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.

I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.

I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.

tears_on_my_pillow

The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.

I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.

Today,
I want to sleep.
Tomorrow,
I want to wake up from a sleep.

I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.

I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.

But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.

I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.

I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I choke.

I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.

Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.

I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.

I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.

Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.

I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I cry.
I pray.
I bathe him with my tears.

I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink

I write-
One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”

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Someday. Somewhere.I will be WANTED.


 I can only pray...

There’s nothing exotic dat one can notice in me…
N find nothing fantastic even if u try hard 2 see..
Bt i still labour under the delusion dat,
I am UNIQUE, I am different n I am SPECIAL….

If not anybody’s dearest…
At least I can be d apple of my own eyes…

Never mind!!
I can say I’m happy
even if my smile is just a veneer…
even if loneliness n insecurity engulf me….
I’ll try hard to quell my fear.

It’s been a long time now….
I’ve been dancing the pas de deux alone…..
humming my own melancholy tune…
Now even memories from d past dwindle away…
I try to hold them down ,
but they just never stay…

Sometimes…..
I runaway from my thoughts.
N at times my thoughts keep running away from me..
I try hard to gather them all..
but often,I just breakdown and fall…

Contemplating too much abt wat others think of me…and how they feel….
I lament for all those days when I lost track of my own feelings,my own emotions n my zeal….

Living d present lackadaisically, with occasional bursts of enthusiasm…..
I keep thinking of the halcyon old days when I emanated bliss like d colors from a prism….

Well….
wat d future holds for me, is yet another enigma…..
A treasure chest??..an empty coffer?? or just another Pandora’s box???…..

Whatever it is….
whether truth or hoax,

I just pray….

God give me strength …to face it undaunted…
enlighten my soul today….
so that someday….somewhere….
I will be WANTED….

 

 

 

P.S: Its been a while now…that I had forgotten Myself…Now once again..remembering what I was…when I had written this piece an year back…I realise ..I havent changed much…whatever the change …it was just for a while…and now its gone …

Well I have to admit…Reminding me of Myself ..was a pleasure…and a great one indeed.. 🙂