Tag Archives: desperate

Nights of nothingness…


I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.

The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.

Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.

I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.

I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.

tears_on_my_pillow

The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.

I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.

Today,
I want to sleep.
Tomorrow,
I want to wake up from a sleep.

I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.

I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.

But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.

I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.

I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I choke.

I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.

Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.

I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.

I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.

Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.

I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I cry.
I pray.
I bathe him with my tears.

I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink

I write-
One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”

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The tale of a desperate blogger!


Well..this could be just a random post for most of you….so i warn you to proceed precariously if you have little time to spare….

but then  I need to boast and boast outrightly NOW to massage my long burrowed ego 😛 !!

N here I go…. 😀

Most  people read only as much in life as would enable them to keep in touch with the alphabets!!…(Sorry no offence people.. but yeah even i become so when it comes to my academic texts!!)…

In this world where time is money… something called books and blogs and that too of mere mortals like me, seem as interesting as buffaloes to most! 😦

Here …I have been writing for over an year now…and have been distributing my link like crazy sophomores do !! but to no avail…. 😦

A millinumber would bother to ever read that url 😦 ….a nanonumber would type it onto their keyboards ….a piconumber would be scared by the length of the articles and close it slam shut!….a femtonumber would read it with ‘remarkable endurance’  ….and ofcourse….the remaining….will drop in a generous COMMENT,  follow, vote or like my posts…and colour my plume!! huh!!! 😀 🙂

I wanna say thanx to all those..those last ones especially..who keep me going…:D

THANK YOU for your generosity!!!

apart from my family and needless to say my Sis Nickie ..my blog would be a forbidden jungle of words for the rest…..

AND this post of mine is dedicated to her for being such a cutie darling to me throughout my tough times!!

without an iota of encouragement from the real hard world that scrutinises you each moment of your life…i would question each of my motives…n each of my moves behind blogging…

“Do I blog to give a face to the ME in me….? Do I blog that people would say ..oooo you write awesome?…Do I blog, thinking that somebody ……in some corner of this damn big crazy world, will drop in a minute to tell me that an anonymous gal from a rustic corner of India matters to them…???? ” 😦

….errr….God knows what and what not!!

with each hour spent on one post…i would spend 2 hours waiting for a comment to drop in…refreshing the page each minute with the curiosity of a child…atlast giving up…ringing home and begging daddy and Golu (my Sis) to drop in a comment (without sometimes reading it if they donot have ample time!!) 😦

But then… Niki would always be my ardent follower..pour down her gracious words..full of praises on my blog…It would lift my sunken soul each time I was low…and I would certainly read and re-read her lines whenever I opened my blog…

The best part was she adored me and idolized whatever right or wrong I did…n would always openly declare how she was my Fan and would like to grow up into a “second Rocky nani” !!

Candidly i would confess that I love her chaste adulation!! 😛

So then one day she too started blogging (http://nickiesblog.wordpress.com) …I would share with her whatever little I knew about being a blogger..with the plain joy of being a naive blogger myself!

But then the trauma of waiting for an acknowledgement haunt her hard…as hard as it had haunt me too…

She had begun as a bubbly beginner…and soon blossomed into a budding author…  But then like me she wanted people to notice that she was no more the sleepy bud…the flower had bloomed…and It had to spread its fragrance….

Then there was this phase ..which may be every blogger goes through perhaps at least once….. withering from Passionate to Passive….

She continued while I took a sabbatical in october…sacrificing my passion for a long cherished dream….  Writing never ate my time…what ate it up was thinking about whether anybody would bother to read this post…if they would…will they like it…and the fantasies of featuring someday in the ” Best of Freshly Pressed posts of WordPress”….that of winning a Booker prize…and la…laaaa laaaaa….. 🙂 😀

then I thought..SO BE IT….I’m gonna have a siesta….I knew nobody was going to notice it anyway…jokes apart miss me!!

So the siesta transformed into slumber with the assured mannerisms of an employee who sleeps in his office with great confidence..knowing he would never be called upon for any work! 😛

But then she woke me up with her woes….  a mail from her splashed the water onto my face and while trying to open up her eyes…I managed to open up mine too…

I mailed her with high…hale…hearty words…and her unquestionable trust on me worked wonders…

She was happy…and continued..and as if to reinforce her trust on me her Fan following took on a killer spree!!..

It was then that I realized….we are all born great orators..only if we could become as passionate listeners as well!!

had I followed a speck of what I had advised her with such great a gusto…wouldn’t I have been as much happier??

I shook off my dormancy and blogged again…

this timed pretending to have become a zealous blogger..who blogs because she wants to blog….because she wants to give shape to her thoughts and give wings to her expressions….because she wants to rediscover herself being lost in the ocean of words….

Ofcourse…it made a difference…and I could feel it 🙂

comments flowed in ..not as much as Niki’s…but then certainly noticeable enough….

Mean while I discovered something called a FlagCounter to show the number of visitors to the blog…against their respective National flags… 🙂

and then one fine day…while I waited with bated breath to get just one more comment on my latest posts…..I got her mail…..

there were no comments on my blog…but the ecstasy of her mail was no less than perpetual delight.. 😀

I had never have been able to boast being a Glorious Big Blogger!!

But here I was puffed up in pride of being a Great Big Sister!! 🙂

Thanx to my Sweetheart…

Here goes her mail…..


I would read and reread her mail..each day until today..when I thought of bragging about it… 🙂

I can sense…how being acknowledged and cared for feels….as I wait with fingers crossed for my FlagCounter to increase each moment…!! 😛

It has robbed me off my sleep….and with eyes wide open I cook up ideas for my next post…the thirst for a little acknowledgement….. a generous comment, making me  desperately whisper ….”OOO dear just One more!!!…..”