Tag Archives: feelings

Hate?


Oh! Prisoner of Pain!
Before you go insane!
HATE!

Let that hatred come out,
Do not struggle to endure,
just shout.

HATE-
chaste, unadulterated,
inevitable, unbridled!
Just HATE!

burning-heart-2

You think about your hatred,
to avenge, to torment,
to pay back pain
with pain.

You think about the anguish,
seething hatred in your heart,
day in- day out,
each moment without doubt.

So much so that,
you have never thought that much,
about your Love.

Love, your Love!
You remember it sometimes,
some whiles in a day.

But Hate, your hate-
you cannot just remember it.
It doesn’t leave your thoughts for an iota of time,
to return in remembrance at random whiles.

You do not stalk your Love.
You know it loves you,
as much as you do.

You stalk your Hate,
to assure yourself-
You hate it,
more than it could ever hate you.

Your Hate.
If he smiles a happy curve,
you put the world within you in cursing flames.
If he mourns a sad cry,
You put the skies into stars of celebration.

Ahh! Such magnanimity!
that you can even gift him yourself,
for he has made you happy by his defeat, his pain.
He has tasted today those pangs of pain,
that he once gifted you.

Oh Prisoner of Pain!
You have filled your heart,
with so much of hate,
that there’s no more space for it,
in your ‘Hate-chambers’

You wake up one day,
hating your hatred more-
only to see that hate has spilled into
your ‘Love-chambers’ few.

Hate, that hate,
was to banish love out of you.
But Love, your love.
Has let hate flourish too…

love-hate

Love?
Hate?
Love your Hatred?
Or curse your fate?

Oh Prisoner of Pain!
You have gone insane!

Look!Your Hate!
Hate resides in love.
Hate imitates love.
Hate intimidates love.
Hate surrenders to love.

Hate becomes Love-
The highest form of love.
Chaste. Unadulterated. Inevitable. Unbridled.

hate-you

If somehow it could be so…


Remember this Spring when I sang?
You seemed unimpressed as I nervously began…

308896_164436700315794_670647595_n

“You are the reason .
for the change of season.
for all the bliss blooming around…

How do I tell you?
How do I let you know?
In YOU what I found,

A Friend , a Soulmate.
And MYSELF…”

I asked you Why.
As you replied with a sigh,
“Your Name is the loveliest Song.
Your Voice, is the sweetest Symphony.
When YOU are my addiction,
How then could your Song be?”...

547410_10151041120158185_289677633_n

But the Spring is gone.
And so is the Song.
The Autumn is yellowed,
A whitened winter is born.

And I reminisce your memories few…

524475_10151137534473185_1855060250_n

Like a drop of dew I grabbed onto,
lost forever, lost YOU.
Like a tune I hummed, right from the soul- warm and true.
Lost the song,  lost YOU.

I thought I would go on, having ‘just’ lost you.
Little did I know
that the lost forever was ME not YOU.

And I reminisce YOU…

251543_10150351196638185_5669188_n

If somehow it could be so…
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

Somehow I loved you then.
Somehow I love you still.
Come what may,
but Love I will.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

A million “bad-byes
but no “Final Farewell“.
No “beginning of an end
because Love leaves this trail…

This trail engraved in my soul,
swallowing me whole.
But just leaving that part with YOU,
That world could have snatched,
But luckily never knew.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know…

576678_10151054473343185_2086582930_n

PS:
Inspired by the story of a girl I met on the train.
We love.
but more often than not, Love chooses to be unkind.
We part ways.
but more often than not we part ways with ourselves.
We go on.
but more often than not Love is seldom gone.
It remains.
with our immortal remains.

And We Reminisce…

PS: She would always love You.

A Beautiful YOU


Know that you are Beautiful
If you can spread a smile.

Know that you are Beautiful
If you can wipe a tear from an eye.

Know that you are Beautiful
If you can love the lovely
as well as the loathful.

Know that you are Beautiful
If you receive and remember,
give and forget.

Know that you are beautiful
If you don’t bury your past
Rather learn from it and live.

Know that you are beautiful
If you cannot ever forget
Yet forgive.

And know that you are Beautiful
If you can love yourself.
Because you are the mirror that sees within,
And not the world that goes by golden sheen

No dream too distant…


Almost half a year gone by…when I had to relinquish all that i was passionate about in this world…except ‘that one dream’ which dragged me along this way…

The Day of Deliverance came and went …but the question mark remained as glaring as it ever could be… 😦

In the heat of the June Sun…squatting on one of the million  footpaths of Delhi…for not less than three hours that sunday…I was trying to figure out…”whether time changed me or I could change the time?”…

just 2 years back I could never imagine myself here…never crossing a street alone without panicking, never travelling places without biting off my nails…never fending for myself without grumbling about life….

But LO!

things change…and change they do…pretty fast!!!

Nibbling on the dry cake slices…trying to quell my rumbling stomach…I was nervous trying not to get nervous…

As I frantically turned the pages of my book…I was reminded of those days when daddy would stuff the pulaw into my mouth…rattling on formulas…

These breaks between 2 seatings of an exam would drive me nuts…all the more with tons of people around… pampering me with all their attention… 🙂

Now, there was no time to act jittery…no time to indulge in nervousness…

I was supposed to be a big girl and act like one as well… :P:(

I  couldn’t afford to cry…I couldn’t afford being a delicate darling…

I had to put up a brave face, manage a plastic smile….and epitomize nerves of iron …while the life changing moment awaited me…

There were some pretty sophisticated girls in there too…munching on sandwiches…enjoying the ac of their SUV…as I shook of the ants that fell upon me from the tree above…while I clung to the Footpath on the dirty newspaper…looking like one on a Hunger strike… 😛

But somehow it did not invoke even a tinge of sadness in me…I smiled at myself!

The day that I wished to live…would be the day… when I would pull down the window glass of my car to take a look at the country crowd…while they would consider me the raison’ d etre of their happiness and welfare….

and the day that is to get me this day, is the day I’m squatting on the footpath staring into this SUV…trying hard to see through the dark glass…thinking…”will that girl in there be able to make it to glory….will she see be able to see the burning problems of the people…never having tanned herself in the sun…”

Such a peculiar dream it was…it would lead me to a Crystal Palace ….but the pavement is full of shards of glass… and there’s only this one way…I’m not allowed any slippers ..nor do I have any iron feet…the only thing I can ask for and would be granted is an Iron will….

Now its time for me to choose…

But I want to go in…go in there desperately…coz if I dont..this dream would always remain a dream so distant, as painful when wide awake …as blissful when in slumber…. 😦

I will have to go…the Crystal Palace is calling me…

But so tough it is…they ask me “shed thy blood but never thy tear…”

And so I tread on…on shards of glass tearing my feet apart…but there’s immense pleasure…astounding bliss with each bleeding drop…and So I would never stop until I claim  that crystal throne in that crystal palace …”

…..The bell rung…time flew by…the bell rung again…

and I started walking…for one of the few times, knowing exactly where to go…fearlessly crossed d road…bargained with the auto-walla bhaiya..for every single penny…(earning and not earning had taught me the difference well !! 😛 )

Reached home…

Didn’t know how I had fared…and didn’t want to know either…

With every single moment…the anxiousness driving me crazy…i just wanted to survive with the hope I had borrowed from God..

It could be so..that I would be led to my Crystal Palace…It could be what I had long desired, It could be what I had long deserved….or it could simply be His grace…a miracle…

The rules are fair…but they are fairly tough as well…

It could be so..that they shoo me away rite at their doorstep….I might  have had trodden the tortuous path…I might have had shed my blood…

But they might say…I didn’t follow their rule…I shed my blood…but I might have shed my tear as well…

hmmmmm….a deep sigh was all I could afford to have….soaked in sweat, drenched with doubts…

But somewhere my heart said…”while worrying about the Life full of exams…I had somehow miraculously passed in the exam of life”… 🙂

I had learnt to be on my own…I had learnt to bear a frozen heart when things turned out exactly the opposite of what I wished for….I had learnt to burn in nervousness while braving the sweetest smile ever… 🙂

…I could see the crystal doors now…opening and closing at their fancy…

I could not see myself in there…But atleast I could see those doors..

I knew I wasn’t there yet…but I knew…it wasn’t far off either…and one of these days I was going to make it through that Crystal door….and claim that Crystal palace forever… 🙂 🙂

My dream may be distant…

but I am equally adamant… 😀

i have nurtured within me the patience to wait…

And i know …my Iron Will will change my fate…

Yeah!!

No dream is too distant to achieve …

Only if you believe!!

Will Somebody give me a Good Morning!!


Opening my eyes with the rising sun, vision searching for the Ganeshji poster on the wall…I pray to God to give me a Good Day…a 24 hours that are fresh and new.… specifically  a Good Morning…because a Good Morning heralds a good day…

A couple of ‘good mornings’ go over the phone….the numbers just rise and fall like a sine wave…But I just don’t want those words on the line…those voices over the Nokia 3600 I own …remind me ceaselessly “ You are precisely 36 hrs away from a place called home…”

The rest of the things fall in place mechanically until 8:45 am…as if I have been programmed and hard wired to do so…  I get into the bus stuffing my ears with the ear phones…and hush the voices inside me to a deafening silence….it’s unsafe having a wagging tongue these days…specially for me, I being a person who suffers from an ailment called Pressure of Speech 😛 !!

Perfectly posing a plastic curve on my chapped lips…and faking a twinkle in my eyes, confident that my glasses would keep the dark circles from the spotlight…  I try hard not to hear anything other than the music on my iPod … and neither the voices outside nor the voice within….both being equally disturbing for me….The lump in the throat keeps growing as I hear but cease to listen…and as I cease to listen, I cease to open my mouth….

Passing by trees, buildings, stray dogs, millions of vehicles, trillions of people doing zillions of stuff…something I struggle to pass by is Myself…

Then comes that India Gate…I’m not going to tell you why…but yes I don’t want to go around it twice a day….

With all those…and much more…the Head Quarters gate comes pretty soon….ready to gulp me down for the day…A nervous attempt at crossing the road turns successful… as I flounder my way to those Great Glass doors….

These days they hit my nose badly… every day these days… I push my glasses over my nose and wish myself a Good Morning….

I don’t know what his name was…I don’t know where & why he had to leave….I don’t know since when I had acquired such a liking for him….and I don’t know why I miss him too…

All I know is…he will never know …because nobody knows him, nobody would tell him and he would never read this…

O No! You don’t need to span your imaginations wild….He was just a person…a person who took care that those great Glass doors didn’t hit my nose….

I sometimes wondered…how could someone look so warm and hearty in the worn out uniform of a security guard…

I dedicate a whole 10 mins to my mirror, struggling to disentangle my curly hair…and all I have is a mess rather than grace, warmth or that hearty look…!!!?? Utterly Unfair!!

A booming Good morning would warm my ears…and that lump in the throat would instantly melt away with a …”Good Morning Bhaiya….Kaise hain aap?”…Instant exchange of innocent grins…a peek or two at the missing lunch packets and for sure the following frowns at our fast fading flesh…would all go by in just 30 seconds…

30 seconds…a good enough time for replacing that plastic smile by a silly grin…for clearing the lump in the throat and making way for my verbose version again….

Hmmm…The Great Glass doors would then be flung wide open and I would enter regally without hitting my nose on it….carrying that grin with me…. along with that Good morning….

Over the day…the number of questions we were put through by him, were directly proportional to the in and outs we made…they would usually range somewhere between “Khaana khaya ya nahi???….” at the lunch break…to “Kahaan jaa rahe ho itni dhoop mein….??” And then a “ Byeeeee Bhaiya” at the end of the day…

That was all….

We came to know one day…he was about to leave…the contract with office had concluded…It’s hard to say that I felt even a tinge of sadness…just that I and my friend thought we would gift bhaiya with something…he was one of those few people who would give a smile without the thought of having something in return….he would be happy if we did so ….

But we never knew why Lajpat Nagar seemed miles away…and his last day in office had already passed long back….silent and unnoticed…

It’s been months now… and there’s this new person at the Glass doors…He’s just perfect in every way a Security Guard could be….he has a good discretion of Designations and Seniority, gives the grandest of the salutes to the most senior of the bosses…the only thing is he knows it too much and he uses his discretion….

You can’t spot a crease or curve on his pompous uniform…but neither can you spot a curve on his face…

Millions of people walk in and out of our lives…touching our lives in million little ways…but while we go on….those little things seem too miniscule to be worth noticing…. Sometimes those million people go away… never even knowing they were something to us…and never even letting us know we were something to them….

And we go on…just the same filling our lives with all those things that are “worth noticing, worth considering, worth rejoicing”…But with all the delight we have for having those…why do the voids still gape??….the voids for those million little things…those trivial things…never worth noticing before…..

God!! You are too good at Mathematics!! How can you really work out so many permutation combinations that each entity in this world is so inimitable…so irreplaceable… that they can create a void in our perfectly filled lives…as they walk out…??!!….I’m baffled….

It’s so unfair that we can always look back…but can never go back…..

And today..just like every other day of my life…..I look back…being unable to go back and claim all those significant things worth noticing….worth bringing back to fill in the voids…

You have gone …and here…I don’t carry the Good Morning with me any more…I guess you always declared that for me… I took it from you prima facie and kept it within throughout the day…you gave me a Good Morning…and I made it a good day….

Today I have to find something good about the morning…before considering it so…I don’t know why…but I can’t declare it for myself… and I do find myself longing for that declaration…

Today as I walk on…rubbing my nose on the stairs to the 1st floor….I think I remember you….No I actually miss you…and I miss those Good Mornings…

I wish I could have them back….

Will Somebody give me a Good Morning??!!!