Tag Archives: friendship

LOVE. Lost and found.


A Hindu married a Muslim,
And two sisters grew in the womb,
Little then did they know,
They will build each others tomb…

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Borders are like birds,
They will fly wherever they want to.
Nations are like clouds,
They will drift wherever they like to.

But people are the skies,
They will have to stay back,
To witness all birds and clouds,
Good-bad, light and dark.

Soldiers, wars, battles, gun fights,
Matters trivial, wrongs and rights…
One after the other, shot after shot,
The opportunity for love- lost.
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Mountains, rivers, valleys and snow.
What do we fight for,
Do we really know?

We are warring over the Indus,
So much blood, so much loss!
Diplomacy determined, treaty after treaty.
But let’s sign just one for, only water and humanity

Long back the two sisters separated,
From a womb- beaten, exasperated.
The blood evaporated,
In the two lands devastated.
But their love reverberated.
Somehow it was fated…

Across fences, across borders,
Across politics and Army’s orders.
Across Namaste and Namaaz.
Singing stories of sisterhood,
That once was…

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Nations emerged, religions evolved,
The hatred remained, but the love too revolved.

Across Diwali,Holi or Eid,
Connections emerged from deep beneath.
Untying knots, tied by cynics,
Uniting hearts, broken by fanatics.

Why haven’t we learnt anything from,
Your Ammi and my Mummy,
Who were Mothers with a big heart?
Why do we build  such Narrow Nations,
Where love breathes its last?

Why can’t we prize peace,
Over guns and grenades?
Why can’t we silently separate,
But yet not part ways?

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Long ago, A Muslim married a Hindu,
And two sisters were born,
To tell the world a story,
With so much to learn.

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PS:  I grew up learning that nations could be friends or enemies too. And that nations could love and hate, just like you. And this brought along the story that  history had to tell and with it so many notions of good, bad, ugly…hostile or friendly.
But who were the nations? Were they not the people who lived in them?
And how can nations hate, when their people loved each other?

I never could understand the “facts” that history presented.
I never could understand the “acts” that present demanded,
but yet had to be drawn from history.
Couldn’t we just start fresh- reset, rewind, unlock and clear our mind?
Shed the burden of the past?

And then one day, I was fortunate to meet the people, whose nation I had so long known. It struck me then that, had I known that there could exist a love unknown? I met Maria Imran here. We instantly fell in love with each others thoughts, and perhaps with each other too.
Two people-from two religions, from two nations, from two lands, across one border, from one womb of time.
Both were devout patriots, both religious. And perhaps that united us more than it could have divided. Gradually the bonds grew stronger, until I had fallen in love with this tiny part of Pakistan, yes in  Maria Imran.
She had written a piece about me and I had been overjoyed, overwhelmed with tears. I had wanted to dedicate something to her, but never found my words worthy of her. Yet, today on Eid, I thought of gifting her this, my love.
To,
Meri Pyaari Maria.
Hope you like my Eid gift.
The stories that we knew, weren’t that true.
But we have begun new stories now…and hope these would turn true.
The rest of our story waits to be written with time.
Until then , I Believe,love is lost.And found.

With love,
From across the border.
Pamela

Reminiscing Rini


Almost a 20 Christmas passed between us after you left. We were very small then and I hardly could declare you were my best friend. I played with you through the two kindergartens that passed. I never competed with you in studies because you weren’t in my class, though we belonged to the same school and the same grade.

Our parents were not family friends. They were neighbours whose children were play pals.
Roshan was then called kootan 🙂 perhaps kutu meant small in Malayalam.
You and aunty wore gold payals and gold waist chains. I loved those, but Mummy wouldn’t let me wear gold on the feet and gold for the waist was just too much to ask for 😉
We would sleep together in the afternoons and I would sweat profusely making aunty wonder sometimes, whether that was sweating or bed-wetting!
Evenings were hectic- trying to make tiny rotis,riding on our ‘large’ cycles, playing home-home, office-office, teacher-student.
I would always become the Mother, you were forced to become the Dad. Kuttu ofcourse had no choice- the inevitable child!

You had a brother. I had none.
You had gloves-green gloves. I fancied those.
You went to Church on Sundays. I loved churches but visited temples.
I was fussy, domineering and loud. You were fragile, docile and lucid.
You were Rini- a name that I loved. I was Rocky- a name that I have loathed.
You were Sebastian and I was Satpathy.
Rini Sebastian. Pamela Satpathy.

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That was the summer holidays before the beginning of 1st grade.
Your family left for kochi. Forever.
I donot remember crying.
I donot remember giving you parting gifts.
I donot remember missing you later.
You gave me a cardboard box- raw, not gift-wrapped. Those were days we opened gift wrappers with care and reused them on the next birthday that we were invited to. 🙂
The box had your green gloves.

green gloves

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Daddy announced a vacation the next Christmas holidays. We knew we had to go to Kerala.
A landline connection wasn’t even existing then.
We never talked over phone, we simply reached there.
We were at your place- Kootan, you and I competing to finish the oranges that Daddy had taken as a symbol of courtesy.
I never ate oranges before- neither do I eat them now.
We went for outings together.
You went to the washroom in the middle of a lake, on a steamer boat.The door wouldn’t close. I stood there for 15 mins holding the door for you. 😉
We slept together- the three of us in your room.
We talked through the night.You wouldn’t understand Hindi much. I wouldn’t understand English.Kootan understood none. 🙂
I gave you a handmade bird- made of all the colourful feathers that I ever collected.
My most prized possession.

The vacation was over.
We left.
rinikuttu

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It was a hill station, a tiny township fondled by fog, muffled by mist. Cold yet cozy.
I never wore your green gloves.
Each time I would open Mummy’s drawers, I would see them and put them back to the box.
I have lost them now when I came for Engineering school.
I came to understand, what it takes to gift away what you love to the one you love.
I became too small for them and they became too big for me as I grew up.

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The promise of writing letters remained unbroken.
Your Christmas card and letter would arrive first. You had beautiful cursive handwriting.
I painted cards for everybody on the New Year. The Best card would always be for you.
A long letter will be drafted on rough and then penned down on a fancy letter pad- in cursive like you.
Each year there was- one letter from you, one letter from me.
There were no phone calls in between, even though the land line connection arrived soon.

Through our letters we had seen each other grow.
Now.We had grown up.
And while doing so, I had come to call you my FRIEND.

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Graduation. Both of us went for Engineering- that was the easiest thing to do in India.
Letters missed- I donot remember when, as I never missed you.
You were too far to be missed.
Both of us got placed having offers for the same job. You went on to take that while I took a different one.
Letters were long lost. We had cell phones but never bothered to exchange numbers.

We both knew silently we had left long behind what was common to us.
What would we talk about something we both knew?
Now we both had a very different future staring at us curiously.
What could we talk about something we both never knew?

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One day your e-mail arrived. You  were getting married.I was invited.
I wouldn’t go, I had my office. You didn’t expect my presence either.
I wished you all luck, bliss and happiness in this new life you were to live soon.

I always dreamt of me marrying in a white bridal gown ever since I was a kid… though I hadn’t resolved to marry any Christian guy perse!
Now.You would marry wearing a white gown, a flower veil, translucent white gloves, with Flower girls, in a church, saying “I do” at the wedding…

Rini1

I would perhaps marry heaving a red sari, encircling the flames of fire, wearing twigs and marigold garlands, saying “I do” for the rest of my marriage and my life.

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I was at home vacationing a December in 2011.
Kootan had returned for a splendid job in Odisha after finishing his Engineering.
Rini was married now with a husband staying in Singapore.
Uncle, Aunty and Rini were to come along too for spending their vacation here.
They were making a trip to Sunabeda, the nondescript little Defence township where we had whiled our childhood away.
This was an exclusive trip- for Me.

Suddenly all the Christmas cards flashed before my eyes. All those letters unwritten began to pester me.
I couldn’t sleep the whole night. We were meeting after 21 years.
She knew Hindi and I knew English by now.
SO, I will have to talk to Rini tomorrow, show them around the township that had changed so so much…just like us.
I will talk. But what will I say?

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I set off to meet them at the Guest house that Daddy had arranged for them.
Smiles so wide were everywhere. I had forgotten my lines that I had rehearsed throughout the night.
“Kootan- No Roshan!”  I called out.He had grown too tall now. I was scared to call him that. May be “big-on” would suit more. 🙂
Rini and Aunty were wearing those gold payals- I eyed them greedily 😛
Laughter echoed in the air- we were making up for the 21 years lost in time and space.
She showed me her wedding pics. Rini was a bride in the white gown looking like an ocean of milk,beautiful and serene. The groom was handsome too. Their inner beauties reflected on their happy faces. I was feeling happy for my Friend. She had brought a copy of her wedding pic for me. I treasured it unlike the green gloves that I had lost.

We went around refreshing our memories all across the township- our primary school building, the township lanes, The market complex,the Old Church and even their old House!

ROSHAN-ROCKY-RINI

Trisha Aunty, and the 3 Rs

I knocked on the door and asked the new residents if we could see their house! She was baffled, but I explained her everything and she was thrilled too. She even let us see their bedroom where Rini, Kootan and I slept through lazy afternoons.
It was just too much of ecstasy en-wrapped in a single moment.
Dusk fell, and we were back for dinner at our place.

I was showing Rini all my dolls that I had bought after she left 🙂
She even wanted to see my clothes and accessories- trinkets, hair clips, bracelets- crying why she didn’t possess all these pretty stuff like me! We were in kindergarten again. Roshan chuckled thinking how silly girls could be 😉 😛

I gave Rini something she loved from my trinkets, in a pretty paper bag. She took it happily without fussing.
That was my favourite too. I had learnt to return Love for love.
We savoured the dinner like kindergarten kids.

The big pic was taken and the big moment had come- for the big bye.

The last picture together

Nobody was teary eyed, nobody was going to miss the other, nobody was going to make promises to meet soon or keep in touch, nobody was going to promise to write letters on Christmas again.
Time had seen us grow. Now we had outgrown time…

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December 2012. Roshan arrived on my wedding day, sat through the entire ceremony one after another.
I wasn’t even able to speak to him. I clicked a picture with him, never to forget he had made this trip specially for me, His sister’s Friend.

With Roshan

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I had married and was gradually made into a different person that I couldn’t recognize myself. Rini couldn’t have recognized me too.

There was no contact for a year now. No letters exchanged, no phone calls made. No ‘miss yous’ stated.
Perhaps there were too many options to choose from .. watsapp, email, facebook, a call, a message… So to save the confusion both chose none. 🙂

This Christmas made me guilty of one forgotten promise though.

Since last December, I had made myself to forget all my promises that I knew I couldn’t meet, that haunted me day in day out.
Just this one remained.
I never tried to remember it, but couldn’t somehow forget.
2 years had passed now while I mustered courage to pen down my 21 year wait and honour my promise.

Perhaps 21 years would pass before I would try to reach her, meet her and tell her…

RINI!! I wear a golden payal that isn’t gold, a silver waist chain and I write cursive handwriting. I have a white gown that I secretly wear sometimes and let the mirror see me. I go to Temples, but I go to Churches too.

SO. I wrote.
Christmas was gone. No letters were sent.
Perhaps Rini had forgotten the promise too. But I couldn’t.

I had promised Rini …
I wont write to her, but I will write about her, I will Write Her.

FOREVER

I couldn’t tell her I was doing this. I didn’t try to.
I did not have any contact.
I had my connections with her.

Someday. Somewhere.I will be WANTED.


 I can only pray...

There’s nothing exotic dat one can notice in me…
N find nothing fantastic even if u try hard 2 see..
Bt i still labour under the delusion dat,
I am UNIQUE, I am different n I am SPECIAL….

If not anybody’s dearest…
At least I can be d apple of my own eyes…

Never mind!!
I can say I’m happy
even if my smile is just a veneer…
even if loneliness n insecurity engulf me….
I’ll try hard to quell my fear.

It’s been a long time now….
I’ve been dancing the pas de deux alone…..
humming my own melancholy tune…
Now even memories from d past dwindle away…
I try to hold them down ,
but they just never stay…

Sometimes…..
I runaway from my thoughts.
N at times my thoughts keep running away from me..
I try hard to gather them all..
but often,I just breakdown and fall…

Contemplating too much abt wat others think of me…and how they feel….
I lament for all those days when I lost track of my own feelings,my own emotions n my zeal….

Living d present lackadaisically, with occasional bursts of enthusiasm…..
I keep thinking of the halcyon old days when I emanated bliss like d colors from a prism….

Well….
wat d future holds for me, is yet another enigma…..
A treasure chest??..an empty coffer?? or just another Pandora’s box???…..

Whatever it is….
whether truth or hoax,

I just pray….

God give me strength …to face it undaunted…
enlighten my soul today….
so that someday….somewhere….
I will be WANTED….

 

 

 

P.S: Its been a while now…that I had forgotten Myself…Now once again..remembering what I was…when I had written this piece an year back…I realise ..I havent changed much…whatever the change …it was just for a while…and now its gone …

Well I have to admit…Reminding me of Myself ..was a pleasure…and a great one indeed.. 🙂

And I Resolved it.


Daddy…I just want to tell you something…You are always right…

Right about Physics. Right about Life. And certainly yeah…right about Me…!

While in 11th you taught me a lot of little somethings in Physics… now they are no more little somethings. They have proven their veracity….in very many ways… and you will be utterly surprised to know how and when…just as I was…. J

It starts up fine…just a little bit of extra energy might be spent in getting it to do what we want… that may be overcoming the friction and then you get to see the results….the heat energy and the potential energy of your body gets converted into kinetic energy…

Hmm…. just as in your relations… your warm enthusiasm and earnest effort kindles it…. And then the potential of your heart and mind decides the radius of curvature of the smile you can wear while sacrificing yourself to sustain it….

You then see the potential energy spent …getting converted into the kinetic energy…things get moving pretty swiftly….kinetic energy we call it !!!…..

But Alas! Daddy has taught me, no system is a perpetual system…perhaps this one too…

Now…don’t ask me who decides the co-efficient of friction…the road ?? or the traveler..??

It just happens…and with it so many other things too…

There’s an inertia …an Inertia of motion that doesn’t allow you to stop…even though you pretty well know that ….if you keep moving on and on now…you will be worn out, consumed to the last drop of sweat…but then you move on…

You have seen it before…right before you wanted to start…Inertia of rest…inertia again…it just won’t allow you to make the move in the first place….yet you find…you moved on…

And on and on you moved…

But then, suddenly….you turn back and realize….is this the path you wanted to take in the first place???!!

Overcoming all the inertia and all the friction has got you so far…!!!…and How far indeed!! …FAR…far away from your own self…. so that when you want… and want it desperately enough….heart in heart you know…there’s no going back….Never ever…

…. I’m no fool now to say….things last forever….

Things have their life-cycle just as I do… They open their eyes to a new world…grow and nurture the wonders of the world into themselves…wear out….and yet stick to the battle .…lose and win…win and lose…and ultimately…fade away…into oblivion…sometimes to come back and sometimes never…

And I thought…It wouldn’t work out…that I lost this fair chance…?!!?!

Nopes!! ….Diffraction is what is most needed….I will bow down a bit before life but I won’t allow it to take over…The ray of hope in my heart…would just bend by a flimsy angle…and then Goodness Gracious…I see it piercing through Life ….coming out victorious!!….just like the phenomena of diffraction…this is phenomenal…!!!

What did I do…that made things work out sooo well…any magic wand??…Ummmm..

Perhaps …I stopped trying…I backed out…

Just when I thought…I had lost you forever…I backed out…I renounced all my rights on you….you are as free as I am…

All the while I was sitting on you…and felt depressed day by day… when you didn’t make the move….How could you with all those shackles??….

I now understand…it was suffocating for you to feel my breath burning on your face….

Today…i..I…. made the move…as you could not…but I moved away….

People may say we are miles apart….but I see this distance as the ROAD…that you would take one day…to come to me….

Yeah too far it may seem…but I think ….the fragrance of my breath must be drifting across this road…. searching for you…perhaps you long for it now…and someday…you might have it as well….

Had Daddy been here, he would have called it Resolution….It says…We can see things clearly ….Only when we are a certain distance apart from them….and not when we dig our vision into them….strange..but true….

I resolved the image of my relation….I have moved apart…I can now see each pixel vividly…What if I cannot touch it with my eye-lashes…at least I can feel it with my eyes… Resolved then …perhaps yes…

Daddy…Thanks!! your physics does work for my life….

But let me tell you…its no cake walk….Resolution hurts…..a lot infact….

Now…I want to forget how much it hurts… the searing pain in my heart….makes me weep tears of blood…I want to unbolt every door and walk away…and keep walking as if it never happened…

All of a sudden…I start pondering over the keys in my hand…WOW!!…I have got them…but where’s the lock?? What am I to open??…frustration shatters my heart… and I say…”All this effort…all this energy…in vain???!!”

But then I come to see… there never was a lock in the first place…and I being a dumb idiot set out looking for the key !!…Hmmm…it’s not that bad..if you think hard…I needed the key to open the lock and rush trough that mesmerizing door… and here I am standing in front of that very door…that I can walk through with bliss…So I got what I wanted!!

But you know what?? You are missing the point again…See… the Search for the key is the real key actually…Had I not set out to find the key and open the lock…I would never have discovered the open door…. That’s life…

Yes, I remember daddy saying,” Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; It can only be transformed from one form to another”…if this is Physics and so be it..

It just gives me peace to think…I have nothing to lose…whatever I had or whatever I possess…it was never mine….it was always HIS.. I had just borrowed…and by the rule of the thumb…I’m returning it Back…. So what!! ?? How many lucky people get the opportunity of juggling with something precious …that’s not even their own… Well.. I got it…and I can say …I’m happy…I’m lucky…

Yes, Daddy… the 88% that I secured for physics in the Boards…..Just forget it!!

I tell you….all this while I had been hoodwinking…

Feel proud Daddy…..coz…TODAY I HAVE REALLY LEARNT IT….!!

HURRAY!!!!