Tag Archives: Funny

If Ignorance is Bliss. It has to be This!


In a country like India, a Twenty Point program is a sine qua non for all planning and ‘Pursuit of Happiness’. So when today I suddenly noticed how unhappy I was with my awful awesome Life, it struck me to have my Twenty point program as well.

Being a twenty-nothing myself, I jotted down some of the ‘facts’ I believe to be true.
And I would be utterly obliged if you did too. 😀

Because howsoever it may be a cliche,
I can’t deny that Ignorance is Bliss! 😉
So in search for that peace,
I started off this piece…

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1. I am unemployed By choice and not by compulsion. I am a Software Engineer with hardwired intent to master in Humanities. Hence a Post Graduate in Human Rights Law and a Post graduate in Sociology too. I am just a PhD away from teaching at Oxford 😛
This is frictional unemployment. Even globalization couldn’t  find me a suitable role profile to match my excellently erratic back ground! Shame on it!

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2. I have always worked hard. All that I have achieved is a direct consequence of it. All that I have not- Blame it on my Luck.

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3. I am not a cry baby. Courageous people reflect their true emotions. I am courageous to cry 24×7, without worrying about your tolerance levels.

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4. I am not fat plump. I am healthy. But If you are not convinced, you  should know..My clothes shrunk, I didn’t expand.

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5. If you still think I did! My recent increase in diameter and circumference are directly proportional to my dedication for my Husband. He cannot lose weight, so I am catching up. Indian women are epitomes of sacrifice.

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6.My husband is tall.
I don’t wear heels because they are bad for my back bone aaand I think Elephants are cuter than giraffes.

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7. I can buy clothes, cosmetics, shoes, bags, accessories… and the world. I am Rich.
But I don’t buy them. Not because the “housewife-allowance” is meager to me. But because I hate the culture of consumerism. 😛

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8.I am beautiful. I was born to feature in fairness lotion ads. But Hard work and  the Tropical Sun tanned my modelling prospects 😛

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9. I am a good cook. I like what I cook. And more importantly, I can eat what I cook. My husband eats in his office cafeteria because he is fond of fast-food more than his wife.
Sometimes I accidentally cook well mess up. It’s because while I cook, my MIL (Mother in Law) instructs, My SIL (Sister in law) OVERsees and like you know- too many cooks spoil the broth!

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10. I am not lazy.
But All I make is salad  and oats because- I like to eat healthy, Live longer. Also its the best way to censure unnecessary expenses and growing tumm
ies ( there are 5 of them, including mine)

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11. I am a master of all trades, jack of some more. Singing, writing, painting, gardening, cooking(under improvement),dancing(to my in-laws tunes)… I do it all!!
I am famous for nothing specific though, because I am yet to decide, which art I would like to be famous for.

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12. Especially, I am a prolific poet and a terrific author. But nobody reads my blog (inspite of zealous requests) because- Every successful artist is rejected a trillion times before being inducted into the Hall-of-Fame. I am no exception!

F.A.ME – Forever Away from ME! huh!!

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13. I cross the road with difficulty. But I can ride the scooter, drive the car, manoeuver the MiG and sail the ship.

I have the confidence. But so does my father. He is confident that it would turn out be an expensive affair. ( My last accident cost him Rs 25000— 5000 for an artificial tooth, 20000 for the braces. It was a scooter accident and the scale of damage was limited to one tooth. On a larger scale, with a larger vehicle and all of the 32 teeth… oops! perhaps I would rather agree than pay 32 x 5000 + 25000 !!!) 
Oh my God! I wish I were a dentist. They bite a hell lot of money on your bites! I might try pursuing that someday too 😉

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14. I am not slow- in reading, reacting, reflecting, reaching…
I finish 40 when you flag off 400 because- I am a perfectionist. I believe in quality, not quantity. Mind It!!!

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15. I am usually a silent, tacit person who doesn’t speak unless the need arises. It’s not my fault that the need arises so very often.

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16. I am an amicable soul. People don’t like me? It’s because they are Jealous! Now,who wouldn’t!! 😉 😛

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17. I am a little too angry, impatient, unpredictable and emotionally turbulent sometimes. But don’t you think it can be a Genetic disorder? Now that’s called Manufacturing defect! 😛

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18. Despite this my Parents love me more than Honey, their Pet dog.

(My nick name is Rocky and her’s is Honey. In India, 99/100 people assume, I am the Dog and  she’s the daughter! x-(  )

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19. I am not worried or desperate. This is just a prolooooonged bad phase.
After every dark winter comes a bright summer.
(and I would certainly be alive to witness it without being frozen to death! Hoorray!)
Until then I would wait and meditate.

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20. I am not Greedy. All I want is everything.
God!! Is it too much to ask for?

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Speak Less.Say More!


I had to write this anyway…Because someday soon I had to take an oath not to babble too much. That fortunate/ unfortunate day I think turned up today. No special turning point defined it though.But I had to pledge to stuff my stupid mouth shut. But then having shut my mouth I still need to babble and so I blog.

I suffer from a deadly disease called “Pressure of Speech”. You would notice it soon when having a one on one conversation with me. I speak. Then you speak. Then I speak again and you pause. But when you pause I begin analyzing…..why is she/he not speaking up…is she/he expecting me to speak up? Am I being rude or moody by staying mum….doesn’t it sound strange… this silence…..????!!” And there I go filling in the few seconds gap with my musical melody or honestly put…mentally sickening malady!

The point is I could have dreamt of becoming the President of India had my extremely efficient vocal system got some snag. The tongue toggles too often as it has to make some point at every point, however pointless the point  might be. Things get worse as I am a girl and that explains all.

So without beating around the bush and writing this junk above, all I wanted to say is…….

Rather all I SHOULD just say is , Today I pledged to myself, “SHUT UP PAMELA!!!”

From being an Agony Aunt to a Conscience Constable I would experience as many roles in the 24 hours of a day that even no Bollywood heroine would have played in the entire span of her career.

A friend’s friend’s friend had a break up with her ‘only’ Boyfriend…how could I stop myself from consoling?? Some have their too busy children with even busier grand children and have nothing to look forward to across the day….So shouldn’t I share a little laugh?? She got her first salary…he needs a little advice…She doesn’t know whom to confide in…He doesn’t know whom to say that to……SOOOO what?? THERE’S PAMELA 🙂

Smiling at a sea of faces or sulking at somebody’s sorrow I would be the Epitome of Empathy. Ofcourse I loved being “The Chosen One” …..but later It drove me crazy ….”Why ME??!!”

And of course my Mobile there would make me all the more immobile!!

With almost no time for myself I would crib about all those beautiful things that I could have filled into those 60 seconds of a precious minute, of the 24 long hours of an always short day for me…

But then their goodwill just worked wonders. I would be amazed at what life had to offer. But they would emerge just as the curtains would fall and then eyebrows would  be raised for an eternity.

I would stand ever confused, should I crib or should I celebrate??

Forget It!!

O Dear Lord! Who has time to think when one has no time to talk!

I’m vexed! Why do you need just a paragraph when I can pen down an entire Novel!  Huh….

So the point is being tacit puts you on so many vantage points. I would just pen down some sufficient seven.

1. They would never know how stupid you are. 😛 Just give an esoteric smile and seem saintly overflowing with wisdom. 🙂

2. Conserves Energy. Saves you from weight loss. (I have been unable to add on an extra kilo above 47 ever since my 9th class! ) But then even if you’re planning to shed fat, this still is a dangerous idea. 

3.You never forget what you MUST be saying.

4. People listen to at least some of it when you make some sense. ( I make too much sense and ultimately end up being nonsense!! 😦  )

5. You do not hurt your own ears. (Mine are perpetually damaged without respite)

6.NOTE (If you are a girl) : Even while bitching ….. u can still sound important!! your blah blah can make them go gaga…

7. The Less you Speak, the more you listen and the More you listen, the better speaker you ultimately become!! 😛  ( I guess that’s where all the problem started for me !)

So all  I wanted to Talk about was….. I should not be Talking at all!!!

So Do me a Favour Please!!!

Seal It!  TAPE IT!!

LOCK IT HARD!!

 OR PUNCH IT BAD!!

For God’s Sake!! JUST SEAL MY STUPID MOUTH SHUT! 

PS: It’s not entirely my fault. Heredity plays a major role as well. No offence to the wonderful and equally weird duo who decided to create a masterpiece but ended up doing disaster management. 🙂

Finally shutting up!!

The tale of a desperate blogger!


Well..this could be just a random post for most of you….so i warn you to proceed precariously if you have little time to spare….

but then  I need to boast and boast outrightly NOW to massage my long burrowed ego 😛 !!

N here I go…. 😀

Most  people read only as much in life as would enable them to keep in touch with the alphabets!!…(Sorry no offence people.. but yeah even i become so when it comes to my academic texts!!)…

In this world where time is money… something called books and blogs and that too of mere mortals like me, seem as interesting as buffaloes to most! 😦

Here …I have been writing for over an year now…and have been distributing my link like crazy sophomores do !! but to no avail…. 😦

A millinumber would bother to ever read that url 😦 ….a nanonumber would type it onto their keyboards ….a piconumber would be scared by the length of the articles and close it slam shut!….a femtonumber would read it with ‘remarkable endurance’  ….and ofcourse….the remaining….will drop in a generous COMMENT,  follow, vote or like my posts…and colour my plume!! huh!!! 😀 🙂

I wanna say thanx to all those..those last ones especially..who keep me going…:D

THANK YOU for your generosity!!!

apart from my family and needless to say my Sis Nickie ..my blog would be a forbidden jungle of words for the rest…..

AND this post of mine is dedicated to her for being such a cutie darling to me throughout my tough times!!

without an iota of encouragement from the real hard world that scrutinises you each moment of your life…i would question each of my motives…n each of my moves behind blogging…

“Do I blog to give a face to the ME in me….? Do I blog that people would say ..oooo you write awesome?…Do I blog, thinking that somebody ……in some corner of this damn big crazy world, will drop in a minute to tell me that an anonymous gal from a rustic corner of India matters to them…???? ” 😦

….errr….God knows what and what not!!

with each hour spent on one post…i would spend 2 hours waiting for a comment to drop in…refreshing the page each minute with the curiosity of a child…atlast giving up…ringing home and begging daddy and Golu (my Sis) to drop in a comment (without sometimes reading it if they donot have ample time!!) 😦

But then… Niki would always be my ardent follower..pour down her gracious words..full of praises on my blog…It would lift my sunken soul each time I was low…and I would certainly read and re-read her lines whenever I opened my blog…

The best part was she adored me and idolized whatever right or wrong I did…n would always openly declare how she was my Fan and would like to grow up into a “second Rocky nani” !!

Candidly i would confess that I love her chaste adulation!! 😛

So then one day she too started blogging (http://nickiesblog.wordpress.com) …I would share with her whatever little I knew about being a blogger..with the plain joy of being a naive blogger myself!

But then the trauma of waiting for an acknowledgement haunt her hard…as hard as it had haunt me too…

She had begun as a bubbly beginner…and soon blossomed into a budding author…  But then like me she wanted people to notice that she was no more the sleepy bud…the flower had bloomed…and It had to spread its fragrance….

Then there was this phase ..which may be every blogger goes through perhaps at least once….. withering from Passionate to Passive….

She continued while I took a sabbatical in october…sacrificing my passion for a long cherished dream….  Writing never ate my time…what ate it up was thinking about whether anybody would bother to read this post…if they would…will they like it…and the fantasies of featuring someday in the ” Best of Freshly Pressed posts of WordPress”….that of winning a Booker prize…and la…laaaa laaaaa….. 🙂 😀

then I thought..SO BE IT….I’m gonna have a siesta….I knew nobody was going to notice it anyway…jokes apart miss me!!

So the siesta transformed into slumber with the assured mannerisms of an employee who sleeps in his office with great confidence..knowing he would never be called upon for any work! 😛

But then she woke me up with her woes….  a mail from her splashed the water onto my face and while trying to open up her eyes…I managed to open up mine too…

I mailed her with high…hale…hearty words…and her unquestionable trust on me worked wonders…

She was happy…and continued..and as if to reinforce her trust on me her Fan following took on a killer spree!!..

It was then that I realized….we are all born great orators..only if we could become as passionate listeners as well!!

had I followed a speck of what I had advised her with such great a gusto…wouldn’t I have been as much happier??

I shook off my dormancy and blogged again…

this timed pretending to have become a zealous blogger..who blogs because she wants to blog….because she wants to give shape to her thoughts and give wings to her expressions….because she wants to rediscover herself being lost in the ocean of words….

Ofcourse…it made a difference…and I could feel it 🙂

comments flowed in ..not as much as Niki’s…but then certainly noticeable enough….

Mean while I discovered something called a FlagCounter to show the number of visitors to the blog…against their respective National flags… 🙂

and then one fine day…while I waited with bated breath to get just one more comment on my latest posts…..I got her mail…..

there were no comments on my blog…but the ecstasy of her mail was no less than perpetual delight.. 😀

I had never have been able to boast being a Glorious Big Blogger!!

But here I was puffed up in pride of being a Great Big Sister!! 🙂

Thanx to my Sweetheart…

Here goes her mail…..


I would read and reread her mail..each day until today..when I thought of bragging about it… 🙂

I can sense…how being acknowledged and cared for feels….as I wait with fingers crossed for my FlagCounter to increase each moment…!! 😛

It has robbed me off my sleep….and with eyes wide open I cook up ideas for my next post…the thirst for a little acknowledgement….. a generous comment, making me  desperately whisper ….”OOO dear just One more!!!…..”  

Just when HE thought LoVe was in the AiR. I said “In LoVe and WaR, all is FaIr”!!


 

wen it started.. :)

Back from office..manoeuvering the laptop bag over my flimsy shoulders…I nearly swooned when I saw him…I didn’t even burden my tiny head to think…how could he be there…The keys were with me…???!!

Well then I switched on the lights and then there was an exchange of acknowledgement..warm or perhaps too hot!!

I didnt ask him how he managed to get in after all the efforts I had piped in…for making my house..MY HOUSE…and not somebody else’s…Just forget it…!! I knew I just couldn’t get away with him…

From the common area to the bedroom I went…putting off the lights…and he came with me…It wasn’t worth refusing…he simply wouldn’t listen …

So I waited…until I could change into my favourite cream skirt and my worn out blue T-shirt….There was no wasting time in such a situation… 🙂

The moon light was streaming on my face and…the faint stars lit the sky….the leaves whispered to each other in the breath-taking breeze….and I knew..we wouldn’t find each other at ease… I wanted to put on the light..so that I could see him clearly…and he certainly resisted..just when the Power went off!!….well I cried  out to him…”Your wish granted Sir!!!…So lets play hide and seek then…”

With all the romance in the air..wafting off to my bedroom…I think..it would be too much if I start describing it… 😛

I knew myself…as to how much I could take in and exactly what could sway me off my feet…that is to precisely say…I knew what my limitations were…and how should I not be carried away..when I see him…But..unfortunately….he simply didn’t want to think we had any limitations as such…Audacious as he has always been… He kept on pushing it and I had to ultimately give in….

With the setting Sun and the rising moon …the feelings in us had taken a very interesting form…indescribable …and unutterable..

I went on to ‘see’ him then…he just kept moving away…and then when he came..I really felt strange…I was smouldered with shyness…the darkness of the night sky could not hide the rosy flames on my cheeks…I was angry….perhaps not on him…on myself..on my inability to resist myself ….

The gusto flushed my cheeks pink and red…you may term that I blushed…and I actually don’t know…how to say that I didn’t either..

Then the seeks became vigorous and there were no hides…but all my seeks were in vain…he knew I was angry with myself and he knew anger made me pell-mell…he had the benefit of his wisdom about me..perhaps he knew me too well…

He constantly came and touched me…with his faint whispers…I didnt want to react…as I was left completely helpless with the darkness …inside and out…

Why am I always this way..when he’s near me??…can’t I be a bit rational and act sane …???..am I not supposed to give the situation the best possible outcome…and do what is expected of me…

Well I had tried my hands at that….51 times in my life perhaps….all these were futile….I wished and wished and wished…

Could my 52nd date be any different???

perhaps Yes….probably nooo..

or May be I don’t know… 🙂

I held my breath for the moment..i knew it would come….and ofcourse it came…

when he stared at me…I had to avert my gaze…I knew that he knew….I had given in..

He whispered again…touched me….and touched my cheek with his lips…perhaps that’s called a Kiss…

So then he had kissed me….and how was I supposed to react??

I didn’t know…as always ….Just that..it was my 52nd date and I should make it different …memorable….

I realised..he had kissed me…I knew..I couldnot defy then..I knew I could not kiss him as well…I knew I had my limitations….

There was a blank in my head as I realised there was no going back…I lifted my head up..the Moon had risen high..playing hide and seek…with the fluffy clouds..purple darkness… milky whiteness….milky whiteness and purple darkness…took their turns…

Hide and seek it was too….

Suddenly there was a sensation in me…an urge..to make my 52nd date embossed in the book of time forever…!

I sprang up…my pace was as quick as I was clumsy…I fumbled in the darkness..as my heart said..it saw him better this way than when in blinding light…Sometimes an intuition and an unwavering will is all you need..

bang …I hit my bed post…Ouch….ouch..ouch….and then a..

SMACK!!

He heaved a sigh on my palms….Even in death he clung to me as in life…

Blood tinted my cheeks and my fingers…

My cheeks ..where He had kissed me a while ago….. a rush of red promptly replaced the blush of pink …as I smiled to myself and thought ..he got what he wanted and I got what I had long waited for…

and even while moving on..he ensured that I slap myself hard to get him out of my life… 😦

He had pushed me too hard and little did he know that…the pain was worth it… 🙂

The moon shone bright and the clouds had melted away..the Hide was finally over and the Seek was  with the moon….the breeze continued…even cooler and sweeter…

I rushed to the washroom…tottering in darkness…A pint of  Dettol on my palms..then a pint of Garnier on my cheeks…and Lo!! I had successfully wiped the evidence of the gruesome event…

So …The marks were gone forever….as was he….

I would certainly miss him..as he was one my all time favourites…my entertainment hero for dragging me to exercise and driving away my  boredom..as I frantically jumped and clapped all through the house…most of the summer evenings ..running after him..

But he had to go…and It had to happen soon…

Now….I do not have to go on narrating..the Classic..”The MOSQUITO and ME”… :)…

Yippeee!!! 🙂 😀 😛 My 52nd Date turned out to be different… in fact the best one ever!!!

After all…. the Romance was only in the air and now its Gone with the Wind!!…

I now chuckle to myself and say…”All is fair in love and war!!! “ .. 😛

From an Engineer.To an Engineer.


 

Hey! My Life Transformer!!

I just ponder about that fated day when you were installed in my Hearts domain, hacked into my emotion’s namespace…

Completely breaking down all my circuit connections with the other girl/ girls( whichever is applicable)…  🙂 The moment the rays from your tender body fell upon the convex lens in my eyes…I knew it was the Eureka Moment…it’s gonna be a static binding forever…

My LEDs have given away their dim twitter- witter to emanate radiance like a fluorescence lamp..

However vehemently I may resist the electrons and protons of my feelings they simply suggest your name darling..as if every node in this linked-list is connected to one node that is YOU!!!…

All..my SQL queries just lead me to the one database that has all answers- that is YOU!!!

Well..if you ask me dear..I want to say, instead of repelling each  other like “Like Charges“…why can’t we just form a Cooper pair.

You are my Grignnards Reagent (R-Mg-‘X’ factor), my catalyst for all the organic and inorganic reactions of my life…

You’ve simply become Recursion for me….whatever branch the while loop takes …all the conditions are satisfied by only one input, i.e. YOU!!!

With this overflowing stack of feelings, I Query you today…” How can you be in Homoeostasis when all I have is Entropy?”…

“How can your Hardness Factor be so high in the ‘Mohs scale’ that even my Trojan Horse cannot gallop into your heart??….

I promise you dear..you can curb all my 6 degrees of freedom….and I assure you..I can adjust my frequency till eternity to lie in your Bandwidth of criterias…”

Look Darling.. I candidly admit…I have deleted all my past love/ loves 🙂 into the Recycle Bin, formatted all my past Entity Relationship Diagrams from my Hard Disk…”

Now, you are the only component of all my Memory Chips…

Even I have planned our cute little Binary Tree… with you and me forming our “HUM DO HAMARE DO….NANHE-MUNNE –ROM & RAM…”

Now don’t be a PUSH-PULL circuit whenI am pulling you close to me…just don’t push me away…

Please Sweetheart…Bubble-Sort all my dreams, concatenate my love with yours, Forward Bias my emotions…

Please don’t Quarantine my love for you…simply be my Quick Heal and heal my woes away… 🙂

Just Catch() my heart, when I Try() to Throw() it to you...

Because….YOU are the only Exception I want to handle….. all my life…

  

Yours forever…