There are millions of moments in life when you are forced to look back, instead of looking forward with a vision. And those are the times when you are made to look beyond — beyond yourself, beyond how the world sees you, beyond success, beyond failures.
Those are the times when your faith is put to test.
It is the test of your God and not your own.
In your heart beats you are very much aware that you have asked for the comfort of palaces to a God who chose vanavaasa himself, lost kingdoms, lost his wife, sacrificed his children, wealth and well-being.
You pray for the fragrance of the roses to a Lord who was made to die on a bed of thorns by the very people whom He loved.
You ask for victory,ecstasy, and gifts to a Lord, who chose for himself thorns,sorrows and grief.
Yet you pray. Yet you put your God to test- time and again.
Being God, he has the liberty to act being deaf, the power to deny. But he doesn’t. He complies.
* * * * *
Having lost the most precious dream I ever dreamt, no doubt I am notably shaken, but not beyond repair though.
Today, I am asked for something which I donot possess myself.
I am begged for something which I am robbed of right now.
I am forced to lend something which I have borrowed from the world myself- Courage, Hope, Smile.
But Just like the Lord I pray- I shall comply.
I am happy that years of prayers have taught me- “Wealth and Well-being are ephemeral.Wisdom is eternal.”
In the quest for wisdom you would be forced to part ways with wealth and well-being, with excruciating pain.
And ironically when you need them no more, when you have mastered the art of living with wisdom and wisdom alone, when you have excelled the trick of sleeping on a bed of thorns…you would be offered with infinite wealth, infinite well-being.
But this wisdom eludes me more often that not. I am sad to choose between the three. I am tempted to have them all
I have failed miserably today, not because I have failed. But because, I have failed to stand up again and try.
I have heard people say, ” A real winner is one who is moved by victory with humility but unmoved by downfall in striking back again.”
It would be a crime to deny that I was unmoved by a hopeful triumph then and this dreadful defeat now.
I am moved- to question my prayers, to bully my faith.
I ask my God. I ask myself. “why do I pray?”
The God doesn’t answer my question. Prayers do.
You pray not because you need something from the Almighty. And you turn your back not because you were made to return empty-handed.
You pray because, You want to pray.
That is the only choice you ever have.
If not, then it is like complimenting somebody for their good looks just because you want them to say, you look amazing too.
So You Pray because you want to heal yourself.
* * * * *
Even when heaven falls apart some truths hold to be true.
Your parents can sacrifice anything for you.
Your grandparents would never say, but your sorrow shatters them more than it shatters you.
Your Teacher will consider himself victorious, if you outrun him in the race of life.
And you will be your worst enemy and your best friend for all life through.
But each one of them, you fully acknowledge, with all their strengths and shortcomings.
If I am hungry for a hug, I shall go to Mummy.
If I donot recall a physics formula, I will run to Daddy.
If I am in dire need of a piece of hope, I will ransack my own brave heart.
But then there are so many things in life which I need and nobody else I know in this world can give me…
And funnily enough there are so many moments in life, when I don’t know what I actually need.
In the quagmire of what I need?whom to ask for?where to look for?… I think of Him.
The one person who doesnot have a face; who doesnot have a resume of role-profiles, capabilities and shortcomings; who doesn’t have an address where I can appeal.
And so it is the easiest to assume– He is in every face. He is capable of doing everything. He exists everywhere.
I cannot afford to be hopeless today. I cannot afford to be a cynic tomorrow.
There is always a specific somebody for every specific desire. All I need to do is seek. Find.
And there are so many wishes, wills and whims in my heart today, that need to be fulfilled. People suffice for most, He for the rest.
Can I ever be an atheist then?
The Love for myself makes me believe in Loving Him.
And I pray.
* * * * *
You are scared- of Darkness and of Light.
You are scared of the Darkness because you do not know what it holds.
You are scared of the Light too. Because you know, it doesn’t hold what you need.
In the dark whether you open or close your eyes- it hardly matters. It is Dark. You are blind.
But you want to open your eyes anyhow, step out of the Dark, and turn on the lights.
But the brilliance of the rays splinter and hurt your sight. And you close your eyes again…
So did you wish to open or close your eyes?
In life, it hardly matters what you wished.
It is then that you realize,how darkness can brighten into light and Light blind you into darkness…
How it actually doesn’t matter whether you open or close your eyes- because you always see what you want to see. And you can always see what you want to see.
You can see Faith. You can see Hope. You can see your prayers reaching Him.
* * * * *
TO THE GOD ANONYMOUS!
I would like to convey a few things.
You have returned me empty handed. But you returned me with a filled heart.
You have shown me how my hands would be filled with your gifts someday, but my heart would never be. Silly thing! It always longs for more.
But then I like it to be that way! I shall compensate my greed with my faith on you.
And yes! Is there such a dear victory that cannot move a man in delight and is there such a disastrous defeat which cannot move a man in plight?
Is there any such thing as ‘unmoved‘ at all?
And is there anyone other than you who remains unmoved?? Despite a million prayers. Despite a trillion tears.
I guess not.
I cannot promise to remain unmoved ever.
You move me with ecstasy with the magics you show.
You move me with pain with the tricks you play.
I am very much moved by you.
And I guess it is better not trying to swap roles with you.
You play God and I shall play myself.
Sometimes I feel pity on you. How more often, you are scoffed at than being thanked!
But It was you who chose to play God and not me.
Please do not forget– You may love to sleep on the thorns, but I prefer the roses.
Thank you God- for all that you have given.
But of course you would never be forgiven for what you haven’t given.