Tag Archives: Hilarious

If Ignorance is Bliss. It has to be This!


In a country like India, a Twenty Point program is a sine qua non for all planning and ‘Pursuit of Happiness’. So when today I suddenly noticed how unhappy I was with my awful awesome Life, it struck me to have my Twenty point program as well.

Being a twenty-nothing myself, I jotted down some of the ‘facts’ I believe to be true.
And I would be utterly obliged if you did too. 😀

Because howsoever it may be a cliche,
I can’t deny that Ignorance is Bliss! 😉
So in search for that peace,
I started off this piece…

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1. I am unemployed By choice and not by compulsion. I am a Software Engineer with hardwired intent to master in Humanities. Hence a Post Graduate in Human Rights Law and a Post graduate in Sociology too. I am just a PhD away from teaching at Oxford 😛
This is frictional unemployment. Even globalization couldn’t  find me a suitable role profile to match my excellently erratic back ground! Shame on it!

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2. I have always worked hard. All that I have achieved is a direct consequence of it. All that I have not- Blame it on my Luck.

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3. I am not a cry baby. Courageous people reflect their true emotions. I am courageous to cry 24×7, without worrying about your tolerance levels.

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4. I am not fat plump. I am healthy. But If you are not convinced, you  should know..My clothes shrunk, I didn’t expand.

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5. If you still think I did! My recent increase in diameter and circumference are directly proportional to my dedication for my Husband. He cannot lose weight, so I am catching up. Indian women are epitomes of sacrifice.

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6.My husband is tall.
I don’t wear heels because they are bad for my back bone aaand I think Elephants are cuter than giraffes.

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7. I can buy clothes, cosmetics, shoes, bags, accessories… and the world. I am Rich.
But I don’t buy them. Not because the “housewife-allowance” is meager to me. But because I hate the culture of consumerism. 😛

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8.I am beautiful. I was born to feature in fairness lotion ads. But Hard work and  the Tropical Sun tanned my modelling prospects 😛

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9. I am a good cook. I like what I cook. And more importantly, I can eat what I cook. My husband eats in his office cafeteria because he is fond of fast-food more than his wife.
Sometimes I accidentally cook well mess up. It’s because while I cook, my MIL (Mother in Law) instructs, My SIL (Sister in law) OVERsees and like you know- too many cooks spoil the broth!

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10. I am not lazy.
But All I make is salad  and oats because- I like to eat healthy, Live longer. Also its the best way to censure unnecessary expenses and growing tumm
ies ( there are 5 of them, including mine)

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11. I am a master of all trades, jack of some more. Singing, writing, painting, gardening, cooking(under improvement),dancing(to my in-laws tunes)… I do it all!!
I am famous for nothing specific though, because I am yet to decide, which art I would like to be famous for.

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12. Especially, I am a prolific poet and a terrific author. But nobody reads my blog (inspite of zealous requests) because- Every successful artist is rejected a trillion times before being inducted into the Hall-of-Fame. I am no exception!

F.A.ME – Forever Away from ME! huh!!

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13. I cross the road with difficulty. But I can ride the scooter, drive the car, manoeuver the MiG and sail the ship.

I have the confidence. But so does my father. He is confident that it would turn out be an expensive affair. ( My last accident cost him Rs 25000— 5000 for an artificial tooth, 20000 for the braces. It was a scooter accident and the scale of damage was limited to one tooth. On a larger scale, with a larger vehicle and all of the 32 teeth… oops! perhaps I would rather agree than pay 32 x 5000 + 25000 !!!) 
Oh my God! I wish I were a dentist. They bite a hell lot of money on your bites! I might try pursuing that someday too 😉

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14. I am not slow- in reading, reacting, reflecting, reaching…
I finish 40 when you flag off 400 because- I am a perfectionist. I believe in quality, not quantity. Mind It!!!

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15. I am usually a silent, tacit person who doesn’t speak unless the need arises. It’s not my fault that the need arises so very often.

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16. I am an amicable soul. People don’t like me? It’s because they are Jealous! Now,who wouldn’t!! 😉 😛

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17. I am a little too angry, impatient, unpredictable and emotionally turbulent sometimes. But don’t you think it can be a Genetic disorder? Now that’s called Manufacturing defect! 😛

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18. Despite this my Parents love me more than Honey, their Pet dog.

(My nick name is Rocky and her’s is Honey. In India, 99/100 people assume, I am the Dog and  she’s the daughter! x-(  )

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19. I am not worried or desperate. This is just a prolooooonged bad phase.
After every dark winter comes a bright summer.
(and I would certainly be alive to witness it without being frozen to death! Hoorray!)
Until then I would wait and meditate.

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20. I am not Greedy. All I want is everything.
God!! Is it too much to ask for?

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The Tale of a Head


This afternoon while returning from the laundry ‘shop’ under the Peepul I was unsure whether my dress was washed and pressed well…But yeah I was sure of the fact that I was totally washed off, apart from a couple of other things.

I am unemployed. I am broke. I LOOK penniless!
And yeah,
World is a cruel Place.

Whether you quit, were fired or got caught in a time of layoffs, being unemployed is no fun. This fact had ultimately struck me hard. 😦

I remembered those halcyon old days when ‘Coin collection’ used to be my hobby. I grew up and learnt to call it Numismatics. Gradually the hobby left me and my sister grabbed it. A few ‘precious’ coins were handed down to her and I became one of the facilitators of her collection…

I would collect rare coins without making an effort to do so and pass them onto her.
Until today…when it dawned on me that Coin collection was too expensive a hobby for bankrupt people like me 😦

The story unfolded one autumn morning last September when I got a rare coin from a bookstore. It was a commemorative 5 rupee coin of Gurudev Rabindranath Tagore minted to celebrate his 150th Birth anniversary. It was exciting to find someone other than Gandhiji on currency. I also came to find that there happened to be another 150 rupee coin of Tagore… But I knew the limits of my affordability. Recession had already started so I resolved to stay content with the 150÷30 figure!! Ahhaa 5 was a fabulous number 🙂

It adorned my purse since then. I would sometimes run out of change with nothing other than the 5 rupee coin and more often than not I would run out of money in total! BUT ..the Head on the coin would nod me a No to be given away.

I remember…
I had to smile like a kitty to an old woman at the Vegetable store and she let me off with a round figure of 70 Rs.
I had to fight with a Rickshaw Bhaiya when he refused to let me go without a 5 rupee more.
I had to use all my convincing power on an Ice cream vendor when after biting into the Orange lolly I discovered I had no change/ Money ( Money to be Honest 😛 ).Panting,I had run home and with the Ice cream dripping all over my T-shirt, I had rushed to keep my promise.

And Not just this…
I ALSO had to cutely gape and wink at a guy in the metro station counter so that he wouldn’t lose patience and let me wait till somebody from the queue would hand him the precious 5 rupee change. Aaand It had worked then!! 😛

Those were the days when atleast I ‘looked’ rich and credible. Toady even this myth was melted.
I frantically ransacked my entire wallet. Papers, Pocket Calenders,Empty ATM Slips,Credit Cards, Lucky Charm tokens, Dry Flowers from Temple visits…and what not!! But No Money! I “researched” and out came The Head.
I Half prayed that the laundry man didnot see it. But Alas good luck had become a scanty resource for me these days.

It was a matter of exactly 5 rupees and he couldn’t understand why I fussed over handing him the coin. Mr.Tagore stared at me. The head nodding again saying ” So are YOU the ambassador of Colonial era??…the India of abject penury??”… ashamed at my misery, I promised that having treasured him for months, I wouldn’t bid adieu today…

Staring with an oh-so-innocent look at the Laundry man…I crossed my fingers, fumbled into my jeans…perhaps my trick would work this time as well!

But NAAAAA…I had already overturned my pockets, already upturned my purse and having seen that all, he stood as adamant as he could.
I started negotiating, what if I mortgaged those clothes for a while and came back to fetch the money. But No!! He glanced at the dress and decided it wasn’t worth it… what if I didn’t return??? Foolish Man…couldn’t even realize that the expensive dress was also a gift/ donation 🙂 and I was bound to come back and collect it…

I realized with a worn out T-shirt and ragged jeans I was not only poor but I looked poor as well 😦

And after all the staunch argument, hue and cry, I saw plump Auntys peeping from their windows and felt embarrassment burn holes in my face apart from my pocket. I gave up. Gaped furiously at his head, violently nodded my head, surrendered that valued Head and stared up at the windows to face those curious heads.

Marching back towards home I smiled at my fate…I was alone again. The Head,Tagore’s Head had gone. But his voice echoed in already clogged corners of my Head ” Jodi tor đak shune keu na ashe tôbe êkla chôlo re,Êkla chôlo, êkla chôlo, êkla chôlo, êkla chôlo re…
If they answer not to thy call walk alone, walk alone, walk alone…”

And I mulled over…
The indignation of being bullied by a laundry man, the gloom of having lost The Head and the Despair of having hung my Head,tortured my braindead Head.

Well Tagore or no Tagore… This tale of a Head has fed a fact into my Head…
” I would Walk and I would walk alone. Not Because I was ever alone but because O Precious Head,YOU have left me. Because I have no more money in my wallet and because no rickshaw would be generous enough to give me a free ride!! 😦  So I would walk alone…So, tôbe êkla chôlo re! Êkla chôlo, êkla chôlo, êkla chôlo, êkla chôlo re……”

Gone!! :( :(


They said it grows back. They said Its just a matter of time. They said its just a few strands of keratin after all… But a month passed by and not a hint of their promises visible yet.  I know Hair Goes. But Hair Never Grows. 😦

It was not just keratin.. It was my hair!! M Y   H A I R!!!

The sea level may rise 0.10 metres in a couple of decades..but my hair grows only 0.001 millimetre in a decade !!  And this very fact makes me feel rotten and decayed 😦

It had accepted a long journey from being shoved off in a Boys Barber Shop to being treated with overpriced spas in Lakme…From being bent, rolled, curled with Hair stylers from Paris …to never being combed for days together… From Hair grown, Hair fall, Hair loss…and now to Hair Gone!!! A long journey indeed.

At three, I could hardly wash my hands clean…But I knew too well to roll the drier like a beauty queen. Those were from Paris..gifts from my Uncle…and My Mummy didn’t know how to use them…so I was “forced” to take lead. 😛

After so much of struggle in becoming a self-taught hair stylist…I would be devastated every week when My cruel Granny and My Brutal Daddy would drag me by my arms to a barber’s shop and chop off my Head…Sorry.. I mean My Hair…But they are equivalent though :).. .. and that was when My Mummy had gone away to do her Masters…

School passed away…studies took over style and physics over fashion…My Head got preoccupied with what was In it rather than what was On it…

College started. College finished . I went unnoticed. The waves had given way to noodles then and four years slipped away intertwined in them.

JOB came . MONEY flowed….PRUDENCE followed …FRUGALITY seeped in and ASCETICISM creeped in.
Even the cheapest shampoo would seem utterly expensive after all the Cost Benefit Analysis…“so many ml..for sooooo many rupees!!??!!”  DROP IT!!

And there then I was crowned with  a Nest!!!…and this time I went from being unnoticed …to Ignored.

One Day The Bird woke. The Nest Broke.

I left the Job. Took up what my heart yearned to do.
I guess the best part of my life had started. I enjoyed being a Student..not just with wisdom but with wits as well.

Money was gone BUT  Charity came on. 🙂
I realised why so many people in India beg—Salary flows but Charity Overflows!! Gosh!!!
and I realised how there is always a difference between Daddy’s Money and yours.Asceticism vanished and materialism conquered… 😛

LAK ME…Take Me…!!
And they did!! The discount tempted me to ultimately do it….I Straightened my hair!!

It cost me  a fortune from my charity fund… But the joy of having it long and lusty…made me smile into the mirror for a almost a month… 😛

Spent Sleepless nights..lest the straightening would go away with the karate shots I practised in my sleep…Not so much for the look as much for the rupaiyah they took!!

Those days I felt like Brains with some Beauty as well 😀
For the first time what was on my head exponentially enhanced what was in it as well. Confidence,Cognizance and Compliments!!!

Results of a life defining exam were out. and there was Celebration as well!
Aaahh Life was a bliss!

Months passed. Strands curled.
I realised I had carved my niche in the world.

Results of another exam were awaited…
as split ends appeared unabated..

With daddy building a Bungalow, charity hit an all time low 😦
Austerity measures struck me hard.
I forgot those Expensive shampoos and conditioners I once had.
And with no money inside my wallet..
i decided to grow into a middle class mindset!!

Split ends cried for a long waited hair cut…
but empty purses screamed ‘if’ and ‘but’..

I thought..Giving away my precious hair with my precious money to those salon people??!!
Naaah..never…!Too profligate…
At Home. I thought..i would try my fate.

I convinced my PG aunty somehow…
But who knew the fateful day would be such fated now… 😦 😦 😦

Poor lady!! she mistook the short flicks at the face for the real length…
Aaaaaand….with a whish whush whash…. half of it was gone….

I felt…she had cut a little more….
but when I glanced at the ground…Oohhhhh came a roar…

sweat ran down my forehead and hers as well…

we both ran to a nearby Salon…my head covered in my jackets hood.
The knowing seeped in “Everything is destined my friend… The Salon… They can cut my hair..but I can’t cut their daily bread.”

She chit chatted more than she did her work…about how I was prettier than most other girls of Odisha she met… x(

I wish I could believe that… But her shoddy job with my already shoddy hair, devastated me beyond repair 😦

I came back home. Couldnot even scream into the mirror…lest my aunty would be guilty. It was certainly not her fault. I had faltered to give proper instructions…Ofcourse she didn’t know about any razor-laser stuff 😦
I silently wept myself to sleep…

Results of the exams followed….Pathetic. I had flunked :(:(

with the straight hair gone and creepy curls making way…I was sure to convince Daddy for some more Generous grants for another straightening session…But that was before the results. 😦

He didn’t know what the first session cost me yet… Mummy and I had fooled him then.

What he knew was, it was “high”…and that if somebody kidnapped me in total…he wouldn’t pay that much to get ME back…let alone my hair!! 😛 😦

But what he didn’t know was my definition of “high” was 10 times his!!

Dear lord…with hair gone,
Fate torn….
Exams screwed
and daddy rude..
what more??

I told daddy…”straight hair was my lucky charm…perhaps if I straighten it again I might pass the next test soon??!!”
But NO! NO NO NOOOOOO!!! None of it this time!!

I am told to stop being a beauty freak and start being a geek!!
Perhaps that would save me.

until then should I go on…??

Curly hair… Very fair..Teachers pet..is that you??
yes. Yes. YESS!!

No! Naaah! Never!!!

Rather…
No hair… Utter despair…Cursing your fate..is that you??
Oh yes!Yes!!Yes!!!

P.S: Tell me how many of you suffered this plight..so that I know I am not the lone cry baby!! 😛

Speak Less.Say More!


I had to write this anyway…Because someday soon I had to take an oath not to babble too much. That fortunate/ unfortunate day I think turned up today. No special turning point defined it though.But I had to pledge to stuff my stupid mouth shut. But then having shut my mouth I still need to babble and so I blog.

I suffer from a deadly disease called “Pressure of Speech”. You would notice it soon when having a one on one conversation with me. I speak. Then you speak. Then I speak again and you pause. But when you pause I begin analyzing…..why is she/he not speaking up…is she/he expecting me to speak up? Am I being rude or moody by staying mum….doesn’t it sound strange… this silence…..????!!” And there I go filling in the few seconds gap with my musical melody or honestly put…mentally sickening malady!

The point is I could have dreamt of becoming the President of India had my extremely efficient vocal system got some snag. The tongue toggles too often as it has to make some point at every point, however pointless the point  might be. Things get worse as I am a girl and that explains all.

So without beating around the bush and writing this junk above, all I wanted to say is…….

Rather all I SHOULD just say is , Today I pledged to myself, “SHUT UP PAMELA!!!”

From being an Agony Aunt to a Conscience Constable I would experience as many roles in the 24 hours of a day that even no Bollywood heroine would have played in the entire span of her career.

A friend’s friend’s friend had a break up with her ‘only’ Boyfriend…how could I stop myself from consoling?? Some have their too busy children with even busier grand children and have nothing to look forward to across the day….So shouldn’t I share a little laugh?? She got her first salary…he needs a little advice…She doesn’t know whom to confide in…He doesn’t know whom to say that to……SOOOO what?? THERE’S PAMELA 🙂

Smiling at a sea of faces or sulking at somebody’s sorrow I would be the Epitome of Empathy. Ofcourse I loved being “The Chosen One” …..but later It drove me crazy ….”Why ME??!!”

And of course my Mobile there would make me all the more immobile!!

With almost no time for myself I would crib about all those beautiful things that I could have filled into those 60 seconds of a precious minute, of the 24 long hours of an always short day for me…

But then their goodwill just worked wonders. I would be amazed at what life had to offer. But they would emerge just as the curtains would fall and then eyebrows would  be raised for an eternity.

I would stand ever confused, should I crib or should I celebrate??

Forget It!!

O Dear Lord! Who has time to think when one has no time to talk!

I’m vexed! Why do you need just a paragraph when I can pen down an entire Novel!  Huh….

So the point is being tacit puts you on so many vantage points. I would just pen down some sufficient seven.

1. They would never know how stupid you are. 😛 Just give an esoteric smile and seem saintly overflowing with wisdom. 🙂

2. Conserves Energy. Saves you from weight loss. (I have been unable to add on an extra kilo above 47 ever since my 9th class! ) But then even if you’re planning to shed fat, this still is a dangerous idea. 

3.You never forget what you MUST be saying.

4. People listen to at least some of it when you make some sense. ( I make too much sense and ultimately end up being nonsense!! 😦  )

5. You do not hurt your own ears. (Mine are perpetually damaged without respite)

6.NOTE (If you are a girl) : Even while bitching ….. u can still sound important!! your blah blah can make them go gaga…

7. The Less you Speak, the more you listen and the More you listen, the better speaker you ultimately become!! 😛  ( I guess that’s where all the problem started for me !)

So all  I wanted to Talk about was….. I should not be Talking at all!!!

So Do me a Favour Please!!!

Seal It!  TAPE IT!!

LOCK IT HARD!!

 OR PUNCH IT BAD!!

For God’s Sake!! JUST SEAL MY STUPID MOUTH SHUT! 

PS: It’s not entirely my fault. Heredity plays a major role as well. No offence to the wonderful and equally weird duo who decided to create a masterpiece but ended up doing disaster management. 🙂

Finally shutting up!!

From an Engineer.To an Engineer.


 

Hey! My Life Transformer!!

I just ponder about that fated day when you were installed in my Hearts domain, hacked into my emotion’s namespace…

Completely breaking down all my circuit connections with the other girl/ girls( whichever is applicable)…  🙂 The moment the rays from your tender body fell upon the convex lens in my eyes…I knew it was the Eureka Moment…it’s gonna be a static binding forever…

My LEDs have given away their dim twitter- witter to emanate radiance like a fluorescence lamp..

However vehemently I may resist the electrons and protons of my feelings they simply suggest your name darling..as if every node in this linked-list is connected to one node that is YOU!!!…

All..my SQL queries just lead me to the one database that has all answers- that is YOU!!!

Well..if you ask me dear..I want to say, instead of repelling each  other like “Like Charges“…why can’t we just form a Cooper pair.

You are my Grignnards Reagent (R-Mg-‘X’ factor), my catalyst for all the organic and inorganic reactions of my life…

You’ve simply become Recursion for me….whatever branch the while loop takes …all the conditions are satisfied by only one input, i.e. YOU!!!

With this overflowing stack of feelings, I Query you today…” How can you be in Homoeostasis when all I have is Entropy?”…

“How can your Hardness Factor be so high in the ‘Mohs scale’ that even my Trojan Horse cannot gallop into your heart??….

I promise you dear..you can curb all my 6 degrees of freedom….and I assure you..I can adjust my frequency till eternity to lie in your Bandwidth of criterias…”

Look Darling.. I candidly admit…I have deleted all my past love/ loves 🙂 into the Recycle Bin, formatted all my past Entity Relationship Diagrams from my Hard Disk…”

Now, you are the only component of all my Memory Chips…

Even I have planned our cute little Binary Tree… with you and me forming our “HUM DO HAMARE DO….NANHE-MUNNE –ROM & RAM…”

Now don’t be a PUSH-PULL circuit whenI am pulling you close to me…just don’t push me away…

Please Sweetheart…Bubble-Sort all my dreams, concatenate my love with yours, Forward Bias my emotions…

Please don’t Quarantine my love for you…simply be my Quick Heal and heal my woes away… 🙂

Just Catch() my heart, when I Try() to Throw() it to you...

Because….YOU are the only Exception I want to handle….. all my life…

  

Yours forever…