Tag Archives: introspection

To The God Anonymous


There are millions of moments in  life when you are forced to look back, instead of looking forward with a vision. And those are the times when you are made to look beyond — beyond yourself, beyond how the world sees you, beyond success, beyond failures.
Those are the times when your faith is put to test.

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It is the test of your God and not your own.

In your heart beats you are very much aware that you have asked for the comfort of palaces to a God who chose vanavaasa himself, lost kingdoms, lost his wife, sacrificed his children, wealth and well-being.
You pray for the fragrance of the roses to a Lord who was made to die on a bed of thorns by the very people whom He loved.
You ask for victory,ecstasy, and gifts to a Lord, who chose for himself thorns,sorrows and grief.

Yet you pray. Yet you put your God to test- time and again.

Being God, he has the liberty to act being deaf, the power to deny. But he doesn’t. He complies.

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Having lost the most precious dream I ever dreamt, no doubt I am notably shaken, but not beyond repair though.

Today, I am asked for something which I donot possess myself.
I am begged for something which I am robbed of right now.
I am forced to lend something which I have borrowed from the world myself- Courage, Hope, Smile.

But Just like the Lord I pray- I shall comply.

I am happy that years of prayers have taught me- “Wealth and Well-being are ephemeral.Wisdom is eternal.”
In the quest for wisdom you would be forced to part ways with wealth and well-being, with excruciating pain.
And ironically when you need them no more, when you have mastered the art of living with wisdom and wisdom alone, when you have excelled the trick of sleeping on a bed of thorns…you would be offered with infinite wealth, infinite well-being.

But this wisdom eludes me more often that not. I am sad to choose between the three. I am tempted to have them all

I have failed miserably today, not because I have failed. But because, I have failed to stand up again and try.

I have heard people say, ” A real winner is one who is moved by victory with humility but unmoved by downfall in striking back again.

It would be a crime to deny that I was unmoved by a hopeful triumph then and this dreadful defeat now.
I am moved- to question my prayers, to bully my faith.

I ask my God. I ask myself. “why do I pray?”
The God doesn’t answer my question. Prayers do.

You pray not because you need something from the Almighty. And you turn your back not because you were made to return empty-handed.
You pray because, You want to pray.
That is the only choice you ever have.

If not, then it is like complimenting somebody for their good looks just because you want them to say, you look amazing too.

So You Pray because you want to heal yourself.

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Even when heaven falls apart some truths hold to be true.
Your parents can sacrifice anything for you.
Your grandparents would never say, but your sorrow shatters them more than it shatters you.
Your Teacher will consider himself victorious, if you outrun him in the race of life.
And you will be your worst enemy and your best friend for all life through.

But each one of them, you fully acknowledge, with all their strengths and shortcomings.

If I am hungry for a hug, I shall go to Mummy.
If I donot recall a physics formula, I will run to Daddy.
If I am in dire need of a piece of hope, I will ransack my own brave heart.

But then there are so many things in life which I need and nobody else I know in this world can give me…
And funnily enough there are so many moments in life, when I don’t know what I actually need.

In the quagmire of what I need?whom to ask for?where to look for?… I think of Him.
The one person who doesnot have a face; who doesnot have a resume of role-profiles, capabilities and shortcomings; who doesn’t have an address where I can appeal.

And so it is the easiest to assume– He is in every face. He is capable of doing everything. He exists everywhere.

I cannot afford to be hopeless today. I cannot afford to be a cynic tomorrow.
There is always a specific somebody for every specific desire. All I need to do is seek. Find.
And there are so many wishes, wills and whims in my heart today, that need to be fulfilled. People suffice for most, He for the rest.

Can I ever be an atheist then?
The Love for myself makes me believe in Loving Him.
And I pray.

ANGEL

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You are scared- of Darkness and of Light.
You are scared of the Darkness because you do not know what it holds.
You are scared of the Light too. Because you know, it doesn’t hold what you need.

In the dark whether you open or close your eyes- it hardly matters. It is Dark. You are blind.
But you want to open your eyes anyhow, step out of the Dark, and turn on the lights.
But the brilliance of the rays splinter and hurt your sight. And you close your eyes again…

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So did you wish to open or close your eyes?
In life, it hardly matters what you wished.

It is then that you realize,how darkness can brighten into light and Light blind you into darkness…
How it actually doesn’t matter whether you open or close your eyes- because you always see what you want to see. And you can always see what you want to see.

You can see Faith. You can see Hope. You can see your prayers reaching Him.

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TO THE GOD ANONYMOUS!

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I would like to convey a few things.

You have returned me empty handed. But you returned me with a filled heart.
You have shown me how my hands would be filled with your gifts someday, but my heart would never be. Silly thing! It always longs for more.
But then I like it to be that way! I shall compensate my greed with my faith on you.

And yes! Is there such a dear victory that cannot move a man in delight and is there such a disastrous defeat which cannot move a man in plight?
Is there any such thing as ‘unmoved‘ at all?
And is there anyone other than you who remains unmoved?? Despite a million prayers. Despite a trillion tears.

I guess not.

I cannot promise to remain unmoved ever.
You move me with ecstasy with the magics you show.
You move me with pain with the tricks you play.
I am very much moved by you.

And I guess it is better not trying to swap roles with you.
You play God and I shall play myself.

Sometimes I feel pity on you. How more often, you are scoffed at than being thanked!
But It was you who chose to play God and not me.

Please do not forget– You may love to sleep on the thorns, but I prefer the roses.

Thank you God- for all that you have given.
But of course you would never be forgiven for what you haven’t given.

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I promise not to promise again…


I promise not to promise again.
because promises have thrown me into prisons of pain.
Tears hanging onto my eyelids.
I don’t know
whether to hold on or let them go.

Too many lines strewn across my forehead,
from too many stories you said.
Too many questions remain unanswered.
Too many feelings seek to make their voices heard.

I make a clarion call
and try not answering them all.
Because some answers that I found
have given me wounds so profound.

I can neither scream nor seep into silence.
Acting as if in oblivion,
I pretend to go on.

The sound of the train and drops of rain
weave a melancholy melody.
My heart skips a beat
as I decide to retreat.
A step forward and two behind,
in this tortuous path I try to find.

Tunnel after tunnels pass.
Light after darkness and darkness after light.
But this night inside me,
stays on in my fight.

Raindrops on the glass panes,
empty fields and empty lanes…
Remind me of the kingdom I once ruled.
Until I realised how I was be-fooled.

Beneath the bridges the rivers flow.
Mountains come and valleys go.
As I sit back and ignore
the answers I already know…

How true it is indeed…

Being born blind is easier
than closing your eyes,
Because it is hard to know the truth
and yet live on with lies…

A Beautiful YOU


Know that you are Beautiful
If you can spread a smile.

Know that you are Beautiful
If you can wipe a tear from an eye.

Know that you are Beautiful
If you can love the lovely
as well as the loathful.

Know that you are Beautiful
If you receive and remember,
give and forget.

Know that you are beautiful
If you don’t bury your past
Rather learn from it and live.

Know that you are beautiful
If you cannot ever forget
Yet forgive.

And know that you are Beautiful
If you can love yourself.
Because you are the mirror that sees within,
And not the world that goes by golden sheen

A last that lasts..


I have been missing my blog since September…and wanted to write something good..something great..and in d attempt to do so…lost out in d race of time…

but before the clock strikes 12… I want this date to be inscribed on my blog forever…

today wasn’t such happy an ending….and so i would make it an early ending. Perhaps I will sleep off the winter and ignore the cold, in me and around me.

But after every night comes the day and after every unhappy ending I am assured of a very happy beginning… 🙂

I would wake up to hopes tomorrow and yet not forget the today..because I don’t want to….else the lessons would be lost, the achievements would be belittled and the hard times that I faced undaunted would lose their charm.

Whatever happens…happens for the better. Because the best is yet to come.

I have walked without slippers towards my Crystal palace…yet miraculously my feet were unsoiled… I received much more than I ever thought I will…yet the natural desire for more goes on in my quest. The broken glass must have torn my feet but I might not have shed any tear….perhaps that’s why there wasn’t any pain…

But right now at the doorstep, when I see the ravenous red on the shards… I deny my oath of not crying…. It hurts..it pains…and you can’t deny it.

But good that I am reminded now and not before…or I couldn’t have traveled this tortuous path. Now I am clinging onto the crystal door and sooner I would be ushered in. I would soon wash off the ravenous red and soon soothe my blisters… i would wash off my feet and wash off my wounds…sleep and wake up as if I was never hurt.

I would wake up on the throne. The crystal palace would be mine.

I have lost out in the race of being a perfectionist. But to go on, I have to see the ‘yes’ as a ‘no’ and the ‘no’ as a ‘yes’ and see that what my heart desires.

NOW!

I am not a perfectionist. I am a Narcissist.

I love myself and soon you would love me too.

I am the princess on the crystal throne.

I am the hope for myself.

I am the best I could be.

And now I will sleep…because I have got to know…

You need to sleep to wake up.

Happy Old year. Happy New year and Happy ME!

Speak Less.Say More!


I had to write this anyway…Because someday soon I had to take an oath not to babble too much. That fortunate/ unfortunate day I think turned up today. No special turning point defined it though.But I had to pledge to stuff my stupid mouth shut. But then having shut my mouth I still need to babble and so I blog.

I suffer from a deadly disease called “Pressure of Speech”. You would notice it soon when having a one on one conversation with me. I speak. Then you speak. Then I speak again and you pause. But when you pause I begin analyzing…..why is she/he not speaking up…is she/he expecting me to speak up? Am I being rude or moody by staying mum….doesn’t it sound strange… this silence…..????!!” And there I go filling in the few seconds gap with my musical melody or honestly put…mentally sickening malady!

The point is I could have dreamt of becoming the President of India had my extremely efficient vocal system got some snag. The tongue toggles too often as it has to make some point at every point, however pointless the point  might be. Things get worse as I am a girl and that explains all.

So without beating around the bush and writing this junk above, all I wanted to say is…….

Rather all I SHOULD just say is , Today I pledged to myself, “SHUT UP PAMELA!!!”

From being an Agony Aunt to a Conscience Constable I would experience as many roles in the 24 hours of a day that even no Bollywood heroine would have played in the entire span of her career.

A friend’s friend’s friend had a break up with her ‘only’ Boyfriend…how could I stop myself from consoling?? Some have their too busy children with even busier grand children and have nothing to look forward to across the day….So shouldn’t I share a little laugh?? She got her first salary…he needs a little advice…She doesn’t know whom to confide in…He doesn’t know whom to say that to……SOOOO what?? THERE’S PAMELA 🙂

Smiling at a sea of faces or sulking at somebody’s sorrow I would be the Epitome of Empathy. Ofcourse I loved being “The Chosen One” …..but later It drove me crazy ….”Why ME??!!”

And of course my Mobile there would make me all the more immobile!!

With almost no time for myself I would crib about all those beautiful things that I could have filled into those 60 seconds of a precious minute, of the 24 long hours of an always short day for me…

But then their goodwill just worked wonders. I would be amazed at what life had to offer. But they would emerge just as the curtains would fall and then eyebrows would  be raised for an eternity.

I would stand ever confused, should I crib or should I celebrate??

Forget It!!

O Dear Lord! Who has time to think when one has no time to talk!

I’m vexed! Why do you need just a paragraph when I can pen down an entire Novel!  Huh….

So the point is being tacit puts you on so many vantage points. I would just pen down some sufficient seven.

1. They would never know how stupid you are. 😛 Just give an esoteric smile and seem saintly overflowing with wisdom. 🙂

2. Conserves Energy. Saves you from weight loss. (I have been unable to add on an extra kilo above 47 ever since my 9th class! ) But then even if you’re planning to shed fat, this still is a dangerous idea. 

3.You never forget what you MUST be saying.

4. People listen to at least some of it when you make some sense. ( I make too much sense and ultimately end up being nonsense!! 😦  )

5. You do not hurt your own ears. (Mine are perpetually damaged without respite)

6.NOTE (If you are a girl) : Even while bitching ….. u can still sound important!! your blah blah can make them go gaga…

7. The Less you Speak, the more you listen and the More you listen, the better speaker you ultimately become!! 😛  ( I guess that’s where all the problem started for me !)

So all  I wanted to Talk about was….. I should not be Talking at all!!!

So Do me a Favour Please!!!

Seal It!  TAPE IT!!

LOCK IT HARD!!

 OR PUNCH IT BAD!!

For God’s Sake!! JUST SEAL MY STUPID MOUTH SHUT! 

PS: It’s not entirely my fault. Heredity plays a major role as well. No offence to the wonderful and equally weird duo who decided to create a masterpiece but ended up doing disaster management. 🙂

Finally shutting up!!