Tag Archives: lonely

Laughter lies.


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I laughed and laughed.
Until the laughter echoed,
across the perfumed halls and the sunny windows.

Some were mine.
Some theirs.

Laughter resonated.
Laughter reverberated.
From one after the other,
older and younger.

As if everybody had pledged to be happy!
As if everybody had promised to laugh!

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Laughter faded.
Laughter dwindled.
I continued laughing unbridled.

Old and young and children too,
had stopped laughing long.
Oblivious of their gaze,
I laughed on.

Until it wasn’t laughter anymore…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A little girl came to me, tearing the crowd.
Put her fingers across my lips
and whispered aloud,
“Shhh! Stop laughing!!
What makes you so sad today?”

S-A-D?? But, I am not crying!
No!! There are no tears on my cheeks?
Look little girl! I am laughing!!

“Oh! Please stop!”
and she held my hand in hers…

“My daddy says, when you laugh like this,
When you laugh ‘like happy’..
Despite your tries,
your laughter lies.”

I stopped.
Oh little girl!
Your father has taught you well.
Harrowing humor comes from a hurt heart.

“So why your self, should you betray?
Why be hurt and not say?
Why must you laugh like this?”

O little one!
You are too little to learn!

I laugh.
I lie.
Not because I don’t dare to show.
But because the world doesn’t care to know.

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Memories…


Memories. Lots of Memories…
Memories Happy.
Memories Sad.
Memories that drive me mad.

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Memories of homemade birthday cake.
I drift where my Memories take…

Memories of delight over birthday gifts.
Memories of friendship.
Memories of rifts.

Memories of growing up.
Memories of not growing old.
Memories of fairies and fables that Aesop told.

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Memories of success.
Memories of tear.
Memories of hope.
Memories of fear.

Memories of tough troubled teens,
Abandoning castles,
Forsaking queens.
Memories of chimerical dreams…

Memories of meeting You.
Memories of knowing Myself,
like I never knew…

Memories of dusty Mays.
Memories of monsoon showers.
Memories of Gold autumn leaves.
Memories of the December flower.

Memories of Love.
Memories of lies.
Memories of memories,
to forget, my heart tries.

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Memories of callow youth.
Memories of mellow womanhood.
Memories gloomy.
Memories good.

Memories of cramped confines of guilty minds.
Memories of precious loss.
Memories of priceless finds.

Memories playing truant with my heart.
Memories I still remember,
that long were gone, I thought.

Memories of a guileless face,
Memories of innocent eyes.
Memories of a genuine curve,
with bunny teeth peeping through the smile.

I look into the mirror,
it shows Me.
But I want it to show
A Happy Memory.

A Memory that I can take.
A Memory true, when Truth is Fake…

I blow the candles,
I cut the cake.
Another birthday dwindles
adding up a handful, to the Memory Lake.

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Memories, writing down Life’s Stories.
of Young Birthdays
and Old Memories

I try figuring out…
Am I a Memory?
or the Memory of a Memory?

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Nights of nothingness…


I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.

The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.

Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.

I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.

I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.

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The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.

I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.

Today,
I want to sleep.
Tomorrow,
I want to wake up from a sleep.

I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.

I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.

But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.

I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.

I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I choke.

I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.

Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.

I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.

I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.

Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.

I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I cry.
I pray.
I bathe him with my tears.

I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink

I write-
One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”

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If somehow it could be so…


Remember this Spring when I sang?
You seemed unimpressed as I nervously began…

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“You are the reason .
for the change of season.
for all the bliss blooming around…

How do I tell you?
How do I let you know?
In YOU what I found,

A Friend , a Soulmate.
And MYSELF…”

I asked you Why.
As you replied with a sigh,
“Your Name is the loveliest Song.
Your Voice, is the sweetest Symphony.
When YOU are my addiction,
How then could your Song be?”...

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But the Spring is gone.
And so is the Song.
The Autumn is yellowed,
A whitened winter is born.

And I reminisce your memories few…

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Like a drop of dew I grabbed onto,
lost forever, lost YOU.
Like a tune I hummed, right from the soul- warm and true.
Lost the song,  lost YOU.

I thought I would go on, having ‘just’ lost you.
Little did I know
that the lost forever was ME not YOU.

And I reminisce YOU…

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If somehow it could be so…
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

Somehow I loved you then.
Somehow I love you still.
Come what may,
but Love I will.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

A million “bad-byes
but no “Final Farewell“.
No “beginning of an end
because Love leaves this trail…

This trail engraved in my soul,
swallowing me whole.
But just leaving that part with YOU,
That world could have snatched,
But luckily never knew.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know…

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PS:
Inspired by the story of a girl I met on the train.
We love.
but more often than not, Love chooses to be unkind.
We part ways.
but more often than not we part ways with ourselves.
We go on.
but more often than not Love is seldom gone.
It remains.
with our immortal remains.

And We Reminisce…

PS: She would always love You.

If you find me…


Of those paper-flights…
Of those cat dog fights…
Of those pillow talks on summer nights…


Of those hop-scotch games on torrid afternoons.
jumping and screaming like stupid goons.


Of fighting, then punching, slapping and biting…
But for a common cause quickly reuniting! 😛

Of those mango robberies from the neighbor’s backyards
Of those merciless lashings with tough cane shards!

of those tiny boats
made from history notes…
The rain sank them,
but your memory floats…

Of gleefully giggling at each other
serving different punishments but together.
Holding each others ears, standing like monkeys…
bereft of the fear, “what if anybody sees!?!?”

Of those Report cards, that flashed pretty good marks 😛
Of those raised eyebrows that asked,” how on earth do these fools pass?!”

Of ringing the cycle bells like hell
Of feeding stray  pups…
and dressing up dolls as well.

then knowing not of
“practical or feasible and pragmatic or possible”

For something we set our hearts on…
we jumped into any typhoon of trouble.

‘Fantasies and wishes’ were all that we could grow.
Of ‘Aspirations’ and ‘Ambitions’ did we ever bother to know??

of those ” what do I become when I grow up?”,
that changed overnight…
and then choosing what our hearts chose
over the best or the right.

And how can I forget!
Those endless rounds of Hide and seek.
Of I being the all-time seeker and you, a hiding freak!

Behind rose bushes, or peeking from tree tops!
Or hiding in the garage with the brooms and the mops!

Wherever on earth, you cleverly hid.
I was quick to find you and find sure I did.

But why have You taken such a long time?
I have been hiding since then,do I need to remind?

I was grumpy enough as You always hid.
but one fine day..in a promised bid,
You said you will be the seeker and let me hide…
And left me with a smile so bright and wide.

But ever since you left and those countdowns faded…
I held my breath and simply waited.

It took you ages…great and long.
In letting you be the seeker, I realised I was wrong.

I told my heart, perhaps you were naive in this skill of seeking.
But when weeks became years…my heart begun sinking.

I thought I will ease your task a bit,
I moved my hideouts closer,hoping every minute…
“Perhaps No more waits this time.
you will find me soon and I shall be fine…”

But You moved on to par excellence.
As I waited then and I wait hence.
More ordinary than the ordinary could be.
with a sole little wish that you will come and find me.

Moving from a continent to another in Business class flights..
do you ever remember flying paper planes from ‘great’ heights?

Honking your Sedan while sipping on coffee…
do you remember those cycle races you once had with me?

Assessments and appraisals and meeting days and nights,
does it ever remind you of those Report Card frights?

Now when you nurture great “Ambitions” that touch  sky-line…
do you remember the mango loots that then were simply divine?

If you get to find me someday
and I seem a simpering Fool…
You needn’t tell your kids I was your Friend…
Just say,“she studied with me in school.”

I want nothing but that you find me
and end these hide and seeks…
I wish to see you one last time
and find bliss on your cheeks…

It’s perfectly fine if you don’t recognize.
I would understand that’s “prudent and wise”.

I know you are busy and it ain’t “practical” no more.
But how can my heart fill those hollows that so deep you bore?

Please don’t forget that You asked me to hide…
I trusted you then and I do still confide.

Not someday soon but perhaps when you have time…
perhaps you will remember this unfinished rhyme.

I know I’m not that important to expect or to wait.
But I still hope you will turn up although a bit late.

You might remember then that
Someone’s waiting for a find…
I know I’m there… somewhere…still in your heart..
if not in your mind…