Tag Archives: lonely

~ चाहत ~


तुम्हें चाहना तो मना था,
और पाना  जैसे ग़ुनाह ।  
फ़िर,

न चाह  कर भी  चाह  लिया ,
न जाने ऐसा क्यों हुआ !
 
ज़िन्दगी इक ओर खींचती ,
और तुम खींचते इक ओर ,
बावली हो पड़ती मैं,
कि बह जाऊँ किस छोर। 
 
तुमसे ऊपर ज़िन्दगी को चुना ,
लगा आसान है। 
कहाँ मालूम मुझे,
मेरी बेपरवाह रूह बेईमान है !
 
न चाहकर भी तुम्हें चाहती ,
फ़िर ख़ुद को इसकी सज़ा सुनाती। 
उस  सज़ा के चार पल में भी,
तुम्हारे ज़िक्र का  दो लम्हां  चुरा लेती। 
 
मैं तुमसे प्यार न करूँ,
इसलिए खुद से लड़ लेती,
तुम मुझसे चाहत न रखो 
इसलिए  तुमसे भी झगड़ लेती … 
 
अपने आप से इस जंग में,
थक गयी, हार गयी मैं !
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तुमसे परे कभी कहीं-कहीं …
में अपनी  ख़ुशी जब खोज लेती ,
“तुम माईने ही नहीं रखते,
ये खुद को साबित कर लेती”
 
माईने अगर तुम रखते नहीं ,
तो में किससे क्या साबित कर रही हूँ !?!
मेरे ज़हन में तुम्हारे ख़याल को मारती,
मैं क़तरा क़तरा मर रही हूँ। 
 
न जाने तुम्हें भूलने की चाहत में ,
में अपनी राहत खो बैठी,
सौ नुक़्स  निकाल लिए तुममें,
सौ गलतियाँ भी ढूँढ बैठी….
 
फ़िर  पता नहीं क्यूँ… 
आख़िर ,
उन गलतियों पर भी मुझे प्यार आया ! 
 
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Laughter lies.


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I laughed and laughed.
Until the laughter echoed,
across the perfumed halls and the sunny windows.

Some were mine.
Some theirs.

Laughter resonated.
Laughter reverberated.
From one after the other,
older and younger.

As if everybody had pledged to be happy!
As if everybody had promised to laugh!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Laughter faded.
Laughter dwindled.
I continued laughing unbridled.

Old and young and children too,
had stopped laughing long.
Oblivious of their gaze,
I laughed on.

Until it wasn’t laughter anymore…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A little girl came to me, tearing the crowd.
Put her fingers across my lips
and whispered aloud,
“Shhh! Stop laughing!!
What makes you so sad today?”

S-A-D?? But, I am not crying!
No!! There are no tears on my cheeks?
Look little girl! I am laughing!!

“Oh! Please stop!”
and she held my hand in hers…

“My daddy says, when you laugh like this,
When you laugh ‘like happy’..
Despite your tries,
your laughter lies.”

I stopped.
Oh little girl!
Your father has taught you well.
Harrowing humor comes from a hurt heart.

“So why your self, should you betray?
Why be hurt and not say?
Why must you laugh like this?”

O little one!
You are too little to learn!

I laugh.
I lie.
Not because I don’t dare to show.
But because the world doesn’t care to know.

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Memories…


Memories. Lots of Memories…
Memories Happy.
Memories Sad.
Memories that drive me mad.

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Memories of homemade birthday cake.
I drift where my Memories take…

Memories of delight over birthday gifts.
Memories of friendship.
Memories of rifts.

Memories of growing up.
Memories of not growing old.
Memories of fairies and fables that Aesop told.

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Memories of success.
Memories of tear.
Memories of hope.
Memories of fear.

Memories of tough troubled teens,
Abandoning castles,
Forsaking queens.
Memories of chimerical dreams…

Memories of meeting You.
Memories of knowing Myself,
like I never knew…

Memories of dusty Mays.
Memories of monsoon showers.
Memories of Gold autumn leaves.
Memories of the December flower.

Memories of Love.
Memories of lies.
Memories of memories,
to forget, my heart tries.

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Memories of callow youth.
Memories of mellow womanhood.
Memories gloomy.
Memories good.

Memories of cramped confines of guilty minds.
Memories of precious loss.
Memories of priceless finds.

Memories playing truant with my heart.
Memories I still remember,
that long were gone, I thought.

Memories of a guileless face,
Memories of innocent eyes.
Memories of a genuine curve,
with bunny teeth peeping through the smile.

I look into the mirror,
it shows Me.
But I want it to show
A Happy Memory.

A Memory that I can take.
A Memory true, when Truth is Fake…

I blow the candles,
I cut the cake.
Another birthday dwindles
adding up a handful, to the Memory Lake.

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Memories, writing down Life’s Stories.
of Young Birthdays
and Old Memories

I try figuring out…
Am I a Memory?
or the Memory of a Memory?

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Nights of nothingness…


I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.

The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.

Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.

I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.

I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.

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The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.

I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.

Today,
I want to sleep.
Tomorrow,
I want to wake up from a sleep.

I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.

I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.

But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.

I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.

I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I choke.

I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.

Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.

I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.

I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.

Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.

I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I cry.
I pray.
I bathe him with my tears.

I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink

I write-
One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”

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If somehow it could be so…


Remember this Spring when I sang?
You seemed unimpressed as I nervously began…

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“You are the reason .
for the change of season.
for all the bliss blooming around…

How do I tell you?
How do I let you know?
In YOU what I found,

A Friend , a Soulmate.
And MYSELF…”

I asked you Why.
As you replied with a sigh,
“Your Name is the loveliest Song.
Your Voice, is the sweetest Symphony.
When YOU are my addiction,
How then could your Song be?”...

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But the Spring is gone.
And so is the Song.
The Autumn is yellowed,
A whitened winter is born.

And I reminisce your memories few…

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Like a drop of dew I grabbed onto,
lost forever, lost YOU.
Like a tune I hummed, right from the soul- warm and true.
Lost the song,  lost YOU.

I thought I would go on, having ‘just’ lost you.
Little did I know
that the lost forever was ME not YOU.

And I reminisce YOU…

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If somehow it could be so…
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

Somehow I loved you then.
Somehow I love you still.
Come what may,
but Love I will.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

A million “bad-byes
but no “Final Farewell“.
No “beginning of an end
because Love leaves this trail…

This trail engraved in my soul,
swallowing me whole.
But just leaving that part with YOU,
That world could have snatched,
But luckily never knew.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know…

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PS:
Inspired by the story of a girl I met on the train.
We love.
but more often than not, Love chooses to be unkind.
We part ways.
but more often than not we part ways with ourselves.
We go on.
but more often than not Love is seldom gone.
It remains.
with our immortal remains.

And We Reminisce…

PS: She would always love You.