Tag Archives: night

Nights of nothingness…


I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.

The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.

Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.

I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.

I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.

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The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.

I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.

Today,
I want to sleep.
Tomorrow,
I want to wake up from a sleep.

I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.

I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.

But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.

I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.

I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I choke.

I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.

Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.

I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.

I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.

Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.

I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I cry.
I pray.
I bathe him with my tears.

I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink

I write-
One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”

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The Moon wasn’t Pretty anymore…


I gaped and gaped at you all night…

Until my stomach squeaked in delight…

That you must have noticed me ogling at you…
Perhaps..It was something that you already knew!!

I needed you then like never before…
You…just you…and nothing more…

I had admired you long enough…long enough from my balcony…
Now I want to feel you in my arms…and make you my destiny…

You were there..as always..

surrounded by billions…basking in their gaze…

While they prayed to make you theirs relentlessly….
I prayed to be yours desperately…

Ooo!! Outrightly visible then I was…
An ordinary speck in an extraordinary mass…

You moved me to pour out my heart’s anguish..
Only then could I utter my long cherished wish…

True.. . that  I loved you …
But they loved you too just the same…
…my love is purer than the purest and rarer than the rarest..”
I failed to claim…

With eyes twinkling in tears,
I mumbled…“U can’t be mine…But can I be yours…??”

As your mystic smile surfaced…
I whispered on with utter haste…

“I need you much more than you will ever need me…
Because I need to be needed by you…
Believe me..”

“I can’t even say we are made for each other…
You may be made for Me…
But I am mad for you…”

A quick chuckle and …You jumped into my arms…
For the very first time I could feel all your charms..
All this while I had admired The Moon from my balcony…
And now kissing its forehead  seemed inexplicably uncanny…!!

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Never had thought that I could surpass the stars and clench The Moon..
Never had faith that prayers are answered this soon…

Euphoria struck me hard with all its might….
I never had known that even success can be a plight!!

As the night faded away…
And the yesterday transformed into Today….

Perceptions of the Past suddenly dawned on me…
What I had thought to be cool..seemed cold indeed …

I had long longed to be bedazzled by your light…
But then I don’t know why you could blind my sight…

With you in my arms, my heart fathomed your enigma…
Too many questions now shrouded your panorama…

I had sensed it be ethereal… I had sensed it to be eternal…
But now how and why…it seemed all too banal….

As I glanced at the Moonless sky for a while…
The dream that I had realized seemed all too futile…

You had left behind your world just for me
But I had waived it off in a selfish spree….

I now longed to be warm and I longed to let you go….
You could sense my uneasiness…and let it be soo..

Huh!!….What a great irony…
Now when I can feel you in my arms…

I want to just see you from my balcony…

Ooo Dear! I lament all my lies…
And I know No Sorry would ever suffice…

I know I have hurt you …
And That’s something even I despise…

I let you go…
I set you free…
I grant you your wish
to always hate me….

As you go from my balcony into the splendid sky…
I can only feel sorry and bid you good bye….

I couldn’t comprehend…How could I not know??
I couldn’t figure out… how could I do so…

How could I ever ignore…
Something that I loved so much before??

How could I ever Say….
“The Moon wasn’t pretty any more?”

Under the Umbrella…


Just another day it was…certain things had decided to fall into place and certain things decided to make me fall…a certain some decided to give me  a tough fight…and a certain some gave me their indifference…

The rain menace had broken out in Delhi…and it had made me feel its soggy presence…with all the muddy thoughts and murky moments breaking into my never easy mind… wet emotions hanging onto my eyelids…all too heavy to stay and all to shy to dribble down…

I had firmed up my dream and had prepared myself to live it…believe it…

Alas!Bright beginnings also leave behind grim goodbyes… 😦

But then i feel…

…Good byes are not forever… & Good byes are not the end… They simply mean… I will miss you… Until we meet again… 🙂

So I shook off the droplets and prepared myself to say good bye.. 🙂

She came home from office and she called me up to drop in  a Hello…I decided I would cook for her…Ya Paneer Do pyaaza would be great… It had been quite a while that we had shared a meal together..certain things had taken their toll on us…a lot of cob webs had grown in…making us see each other….but then somehow be far apart…

We might have forgotten to share a hearty laugh…but we never forgot to share the moments that made our hearts moan… And may be that was something which kept us together… always running parallel to each other like railway tracks… 😀

With a last sprinkle of Kasoori Methi..the aroma of the paneer wafted straight into my hungry stomach..as I hadn’t eaten the entire day… She came home and we carried the kadhais and saucepans into her flat…

Then there was no holding back…we both munched on greedily…I felt happy that she liked my stuff…She always does that…and it’s people like her who make me feel like the Chef of Le’ Meridien! 😛

All the possible things under the sun were discussed..perhaps all the possible things under the moon…or the sky or the clouds..ooorrrr Whatever!!..

But it still wasn’t the end…

We always have taken a so called small stroll after every supper….so why not today??…

It was raining… she wanted to get wet…and me too…

As we set out splishing splashing in the apartment compound…the drizzle began to splish-splash a bit harder too….

Just a glance at each other..and we knew an Umbrella walk would be the best walk ever!!..

She had two umbrellas…we got them..and set out undeterred by the rain….

As the rain poured on..the conversation poured in tooo… 10/10/’10...was her birthday…and we set out chalking up plans that required all God’s mercy to materialize…. But sometimes its just so revelling to put up picture-perfect promises…cook up castles in air…even when you know..you ought to be kidding yourselves to make that true… 😛

But sometimes just being promised of peace and hope ushers in sooo much solace…that even fulfilled promises find hard to… 🙂

And all I knew was that..she knew...

Then there were lights beneath the Peepal tree, casting bizarre shadows on the wet concrete tiles…the smell of rain-& mud- & night… and of course a Nokia with a 3.2 Mega pixel camera….. What on earth could stop girls from launching a full fledged photo shoot!!! 😛

We took pictures of each other….less being captured in the cell and more of it into our hearts….

We had had our shares of ups and downs…but may be thats what gave us the eyes to see through each other..when I was down with darkness all around …I knew I could look up to her and when I would bask in the glory of my accomplished dream…I would know…deep down somewhere she would be happy for me…

A few determined drops had trickled down our sleeves…fighting their way through the Umbrellas…my feet were puffy and cold….but I didn’t feel wet…

Rather the drizzle had a soothing effect on me…As if it had cleansed me…from the fears that i had clung on to…washed me off from the notions that had been docked in my heart for an year now…. 😀

Freed from the drosses of my mind I felt united with myself… I had got back my kindergarten days when I had soo little of conceptions and none of the misconceptions… those days when I would soil my white sport shoes jumping into rain filled rivulets running along the road….making yucky faces at the earthworms…..Coming home and promptly lying to Mommy about how there was no space on the road to walk without being wet!! 😛

I let go of myself in the rain…

We repeated those never attempted promises that we had been prattling since September 2009…. Ya we would definitely go the Doll Museum..she had promised to take me there… and then there was a new Amusement park In Gurgaon…I would certainly take her there….

Jut having said so… felt indescribably great….we had lost sense of time….

At 10:00 we put an end to our Umbrella walk…

I left her at her place in the first floor…Good byes were a bit easy now….

I entered the elevator….pressed the 5 button and hummed a few lines from my perpetually poetic heart…. 😛

Let the drops cleanse my heart today.                                                   Let me rinse my soul.                                                                                     Let me pick fragments today.                                                                   Tomorrow let it take me whole.

OMG!! that was great!!…but then I was no Shakespeare ???!! ….Sooooo I shook off the couplet and yelled at the top of my lungs!!!

UNDER THE PINK UMBRELLA….                                                                 GO ROLLY AND PAMELAAA…!!! 😛

UNDER THE PINK UMBRELLA….OOO llllaa laaa!
THERE THEY GO ROLLY & PAMELLLLLLLLAAAAAAAA!!!

lllllaaaa laaaa laaaaaa !!!!! 😛


Just when HE thought LoVe was in the AiR. I said “In LoVe and WaR, all is FaIr”!!


 

wen it started.. :)

Back from office..manoeuvering the laptop bag over my flimsy shoulders…I nearly swooned when I saw him…I didn’t even burden my tiny head to think…how could he be there…The keys were with me…???!!

Well then I switched on the lights and then there was an exchange of acknowledgement..warm or perhaps too hot!!

I didnt ask him how he managed to get in after all the efforts I had piped in…for making my house..MY HOUSE…and not somebody else’s…Just forget it…!! I knew I just couldn’t get away with him…

From the common area to the bedroom I went…putting off the lights…and he came with me…It wasn’t worth refusing…he simply wouldn’t listen …

So I waited…until I could change into my favourite cream skirt and my worn out blue T-shirt….There was no wasting time in such a situation… 🙂

The moon light was streaming on my face and…the faint stars lit the sky….the leaves whispered to each other in the breath-taking breeze….and I knew..we wouldn’t find each other at ease… I wanted to put on the light..so that I could see him clearly…and he certainly resisted..just when the Power went off!!….well I cried  out to him…”Your wish granted Sir!!!…So lets play hide and seek then…”

With all the romance in the air..wafting off to my bedroom…I think..it would be too much if I start describing it… 😛

I knew myself…as to how much I could take in and exactly what could sway me off my feet…that is to precisely say…I knew what my limitations were…and how should I not be carried away..when I see him…But..unfortunately….he simply didn’t want to think we had any limitations as such…Audacious as he has always been… He kept on pushing it and I had to ultimately give in….

With the setting Sun and the rising moon …the feelings in us had taken a very interesting form…indescribable …and unutterable..

I went on to ‘see’ him then…he just kept moving away…and then when he came..I really felt strange…I was smouldered with shyness…the darkness of the night sky could not hide the rosy flames on my cheeks…I was angry….perhaps not on him…on myself..on my inability to resist myself ….

The gusto flushed my cheeks pink and red…you may term that I blushed…and I actually don’t know…how to say that I didn’t either..

Then the seeks became vigorous and there were no hides…but all my seeks were in vain…he knew I was angry with myself and he knew anger made me pell-mell…he had the benefit of his wisdom about me..perhaps he knew me too well…

He constantly came and touched me…with his faint whispers…I didnt want to react…as I was left completely helpless with the darkness …inside and out…

Why am I always this way..when he’s near me??…can’t I be a bit rational and act sane …???..am I not supposed to give the situation the best possible outcome…and do what is expected of me…

Well I had tried my hands at that….51 times in my life perhaps….all these were futile….I wished and wished and wished…

Could my 52nd date be any different???

perhaps Yes….probably nooo..

or May be I don’t know… 🙂

I held my breath for the moment..i knew it would come….and ofcourse it came…

when he stared at me…I had to avert my gaze…I knew that he knew….I had given in..

He whispered again…touched me….and touched my cheek with his lips…perhaps that’s called a Kiss…

So then he had kissed me….and how was I supposed to react??

I didn’t know…as always ….Just that..it was my 52nd date and I should make it different …memorable….

I realised..he had kissed me…I knew..I couldnot defy then..I knew I could not kiss him as well…I knew I had my limitations….

There was a blank in my head as I realised there was no going back…I lifted my head up..the Moon had risen high..playing hide and seek…with the fluffy clouds..purple darkness… milky whiteness….milky whiteness and purple darkness…took their turns…

Hide and seek it was too….

Suddenly there was a sensation in me…an urge..to make my 52nd date embossed in the book of time forever…!

I sprang up…my pace was as quick as I was clumsy…I fumbled in the darkness..as my heart said..it saw him better this way than when in blinding light…Sometimes an intuition and an unwavering will is all you need..

bang …I hit my bed post…Ouch….ouch..ouch….and then a..

SMACK!!

He heaved a sigh on my palms….Even in death he clung to me as in life…

Blood tinted my cheeks and my fingers…

My cheeks ..where He had kissed me a while ago….. a rush of red promptly replaced the blush of pink …as I smiled to myself and thought ..he got what he wanted and I got what I had long waited for…

and even while moving on..he ensured that I slap myself hard to get him out of my life… 😦

He had pushed me too hard and little did he know that…the pain was worth it… 🙂

The moon shone bright and the clouds had melted away..the Hide was finally over and the Seek was  with the moon….the breeze continued…even cooler and sweeter…

I rushed to the washroom…tottering in darkness…A pint of  Dettol on my palms..then a pint of Garnier on my cheeks…and Lo!! I had successfully wiped the evidence of the gruesome event…

So …The marks were gone forever….as was he….

I would certainly miss him..as he was one my all time favourites…my entertainment hero for dragging me to exercise and driving away my  boredom..as I frantically jumped and clapped all through the house…most of the summer evenings ..running after him..

But he had to go…and It had to happen soon…

Now….I do not have to go on narrating..the Classic..”The MOSQUITO and ME”… :)…

Yippeee!!! 🙂 😀 😛 My 52nd Date turned out to be different… in fact the best one ever!!!

After all…. the Romance was only in the air and now its Gone with the Wind!!…

I now chuckle to myself and say…”All is fair in love and war!!! “ .. 😛