Tag Archives: pain

To The God Anonymous


There are millions of moments in  life when you are forced to look back, instead of looking forward with a vision. And those are the times when you are made to look beyond — beyond yourself, beyond how the world sees you, beyond success, beyond failures.
Those are the times when your faith is put to test.

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It is the test of your God and not your own.

In your heart beats you are very much aware that you have asked for the comfort of palaces to a God who chose vanavaasa himself, lost kingdoms, lost his wife, sacrificed his children, wealth and well-being.
You pray for the fragrance of the roses to a Lord who was made to die on a bed of thorns by the very people whom He loved.
You ask for victory,ecstasy, and gifts to a Lord, who chose for himself thorns,sorrows and grief.

Yet you pray. Yet you put your God to test- time and again.

Being God, he has the liberty to act being deaf, the power to deny. But he doesn’t. He complies.

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Having lost the most precious dream I ever dreamt, no doubt I am notably shaken, but not beyond repair though.

Today, I am asked for something which I donot possess myself.
I am begged for something which I am robbed of right now.
I am forced to lend something which I have borrowed from the world myself- Courage, Hope, Smile.

But Just like the Lord I pray- I shall comply.

I am happy that years of prayers have taught me- “Wealth and Well-being are ephemeral.Wisdom is eternal.”
In the quest for wisdom you would be forced to part ways with wealth and well-being, with excruciating pain.
And ironically when you need them no more, when you have mastered the art of living with wisdom and wisdom alone, when you have excelled the trick of sleeping on a bed of thorns…you would be offered with infinite wealth, infinite well-being.

But this wisdom eludes me more often that not. I am sad to choose between the three. I am tempted to have them all

I have failed miserably today, not because I have failed. But because, I have failed to stand up again and try.

I have heard people say, ” A real winner is one who is moved by victory with humility but unmoved by downfall in striking back again.

It would be a crime to deny that I was unmoved by a hopeful triumph then and this dreadful defeat now.
I am moved- to question my prayers, to bully my faith.

I ask my God. I ask myself. “why do I pray?”
The God doesn’t answer my question. Prayers do.

You pray not because you need something from the Almighty. And you turn your back not because you were made to return empty-handed.
You pray because, You want to pray.
That is the only choice you ever have.

If not, then it is like complimenting somebody for their good looks just because you want them to say, you look amazing too.

So You Pray because you want to heal yourself.

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Even when heaven falls apart some truths hold to be true.
Your parents can sacrifice anything for you.
Your grandparents would never say, but your sorrow shatters them more than it shatters you.
Your Teacher will consider himself victorious, if you outrun him in the race of life.
And you will be your worst enemy and your best friend for all life through.

But each one of them, you fully acknowledge, with all their strengths and shortcomings.

If I am hungry for a hug, I shall go to Mummy.
If I donot recall a physics formula, I will run to Daddy.
If I am in dire need of a piece of hope, I will ransack my own brave heart.

But then there are so many things in life which I need and nobody else I know in this world can give me…
And funnily enough there are so many moments in life, when I don’t know what I actually need.

In the quagmire of what I need?whom to ask for?where to look for?… I think of Him.
The one person who doesnot have a face; who doesnot have a resume of role-profiles, capabilities and shortcomings; who doesn’t have an address where I can appeal.

And so it is the easiest to assume– He is in every face. He is capable of doing everything. He exists everywhere.

I cannot afford to be hopeless today. I cannot afford to be a cynic tomorrow.
There is always a specific somebody for every specific desire. All I need to do is seek. Find.
And there are so many wishes, wills and whims in my heart today, that need to be fulfilled. People suffice for most, He for the rest.

Can I ever be an atheist then?
The Love for myself makes me believe in Loving Him.
And I pray.

ANGEL

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You are scared- of Darkness and of Light.
You are scared of the Darkness because you do not know what it holds.
You are scared of the Light too. Because you know, it doesn’t hold what you need.

In the dark whether you open or close your eyes- it hardly matters. It is Dark. You are blind.
But you want to open your eyes anyhow, step out of the Dark, and turn on the lights.
But the brilliance of the rays splinter and hurt your sight. And you close your eyes again…

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So did you wish to open or close your eyes?
In life, it hardly matters what you wished.

It is then that you realize,how darkness can brighten into light and Light blind you into darkness…
How it actually doesn’t matter whether you open or close your eyes- because you always see what you want to see. And you can always see what you want to see.

You can see Faith. You can see Hope. You can see your prayers reaching Him.

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TO THE GOD ANONYMOUS!

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I would like to convey a few things.

You have returned me empty handed. But you returned me with a filled heart.
You have shown me how my hands would be filled with your gifts someday, but my heart would never be. Silly thing! It always longs for more.
But then I like it to be that way! I shall compensate my greed with my faith on you.

And yes! Is there such a dear victory that cannot move a man in delight and is there such a disastrous defeat which cannot move a man in plight?
Is there any such thing as ‘unmoved‘ at all?
And is there anyone other than you who remains unmoved?? Despite a million prayers. Despite a trillion tears.

I guess not.

I cannot promise to remain unmoved ever.
You move me with ecstasy with the magics you show.
You move me with pain with the tricks you play.
I am very much moved by you.

And I guess it is better not trying to swap roles with you.
You play God and I shall play myself.

Sometimes I feel pity on you. How more often, you are scoffed at than being thanked!
But It was you who chose to play God and not me.

Please do not forget– You may love to sleep on the thorns, but I prefer the roses.

Thank you God- for all that you have given.
But of course you would never be forgiven for what you haven’t given.

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Nights of nothingness…


I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.

The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.

Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.

I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.

I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.

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The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.

I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.

Today,
I want to sleep.
Tomorrow,
I want to wake up from a sleep.

I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.

I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.

But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.

I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.

I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I choke.

I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.

Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.

I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.

I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.

Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.

I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I cry.
I pray.
I bathe him with my tears.

I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink

I write-
One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”

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If somehow it could be so…


Remember this Spring when I sang?
You seemed unimpressed as I nervously began…

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“You are the reason .
for the change of season.
for all the bliss blooming around…

How do I tell you?
How do I let you know?
In YOU what I found,

A Friend , a Soulmate.
And MYSELF…”

I asked you Why.
As you replied with a sigh,
“Your Name is the loveliest Song.
Your Voice, is the sweetest Symphony.
When YOU are my addiction,
How then could your Song be?”...

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But the Spring is gone.
And so is the Song.
The Autumn is yellowed,
A whitened winter is born.

And I reminisce your memories few…

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Like a drop of dew I grabbed onto,
lost forever, lost YOU.
Like a tune I hummed, right from the soul- warm and true.
Lost the song,  lost YOU.

I thought I would go on, having ‘just’ lost you.
Little did I know
that the lost forever was ME not YOU.

And I reminisce YOU…

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If somehow it could be so…
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

Somehow I loved you then.
Somehow I love you still.
Come what may,
but Love I will.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know.

A million “bad-byes
but no “Final Farewell“.
No “beginning of an end
because Love leaves this trail…

This trail engraved in my soul,
swallowing me whole.
But just leaving that part with YOU,
That world could have snatched,
But luckily never knew.

If somehow it could be so.
I could Love you the way you do
and the world wouldn’t know…

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PS:
Inspired by the story of a girl I met on the train.
We love.
but more often than not, Love chooses to be unkind.
We part ways.
but more often than not we part ways with ourselves.
We go on.
but more often than not Love is seldom gone.
It remains.
with our immortal remains.

And We Reminisce…

PS: She would always love You.

Come back Home…


Daddy I'm waiting

Daddy I’m tired of closing my eyes…
please come out if you’re hiding and let me hide.
Daddy you are cheating, don’t you realize?
Daddy please hug me and take me by your side…

Daddy, I promise I would always get an ‘A+’…
Daddy, I promise whenever you say ‘No’ I would never fuss…

Daddy please stop hiding…
Trust me daddy…my eyes are hurting….

without you

It’s raining again…
and you are not here.
They tell me you’re gone.
and I should learn to bear.

I want to see that whacky smile on Raina’s face….
I want to simper at her Question..and Ignore when she says..
” Mommy what are you doing…”

I want to close my umbrella and get into yours…
I want you to chide  me..” Grow up Dear! it’s been 12 years…
The kid is watching…can’t you behave??…
Stop being silly, stupid and naive!”

I promise I would never badger you with tea..when you want your coffee..
I promise when you get late… I would never get huffy.
I can’t believe you are gone…and  why should I?
they can never force me to bid you good bye…

The coffee is getting cold…
Please come back home.

It’s raining again..
and I am alone…

Come back son

Son, don’t you think you punished me a bit too more…
It’s been ages now that I am waiting at the door…

Come back home, you promised you will…
There’s a torturing silence no shriek could kill.

I promise you, I would never pick a strife…
She’s as much my daughter as she’s your wife…

I swear I would never smuggle sugar into my tea…
just tell me that you will never leave me.

She’s young , and pale and draped in white…
I can just beg God to take away my sight.

I try pestering her to stir a dispute…
But the day you were gone she has resolved to be mute.

Why did you give me this agony I never before knew?
Son if can’t come back, please take me with you….
Please Son, take me with you…

P.S:     The Mumbai blasts shook the world a bit and India a bit more…But it shook beyond repair,the families who lost their whole world with it ….

With more such instances on the rise in the world over…In India, in Norway..just to name a few recent ones… I ponder how has man forgotten to be human?

The one who goes is somebody’s son, somebody’s Father, somebody’s everything…as much as the one who stays and kills….

How can they overlook this greater similarity and pick up a difference that doesn’t even exist??

I could do nothing more than just write and So I did…and I want some people to know that they can do much more than just Hate.

May god bless the departed souls… and May God bless the ones who departed with their loved ones but are bound to stay back.

The Moon wasn’t Pretty anymore…


I gaped and gaped at you all night…

Until my stomach squeaked in delight…

That you must have noticed me ogling at you…
Perhaps..It was something that you already knew!!

I needed you then like never before…
You…just you…and nothing more…

I had admired you long enough…long enough from my balcony…
Now I want to feel you in my arms…and make you my destiny…

You were there..as always..

surrounded by billions…basking in their gaze…

While they prayed to make you theirs relentlessly….
I prayed to be yours desperately…

Ooo!! Outrightly visible then I was…
An ordinary speck in an extraordinary mass…

You moved me to pour out my heart’s anguish..
Only then could I utter my long cherished wish…

True.. . that  I loved you …
But they loved you too just the same…
…my love is purer than the purest and rarer than the rarest..”
I failed to claim…

With eyes twinkling in tears,
I mumbled…“U can’t be mine…But can I be yours…??”

As your mystic smile surfaced…
I whispered on with utter haste…

“I need you much more than you will ever need me…
Because I need to be needed by you…
Believe me..”

“I can’t even say we are made for each other…
You may be made for Me…
But I am mad for you…”

A quick chuckle and …You jumped into my arms…
For the very first time I could feel all your charms..
All this while I had admired The Moon from my balcony…
And now kissing its forehead  seemed inexplicably uncanny…!!

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Never had thought that I could surpass the stars and clench The Moon..
Never had faith that prayers are answered this soon…

Euphoria struck me hard with all its might….
I never had known that even success can be a plight!!

As the night faded away…
And the yesterday transformed into Today….

Perceptions of the Past suddenly dawned on me…
What I had thought to be cool..seemed cold indeed …

I had long longed to be bedazzled by your light…
But then I don’t know why you could blind my sight…

With you in my arms, my heart fathomed your enigma…
Too many questions now shrouded your panorama…

I had sensed it be ethereal… I had sensed it to be eternal…
But now how and why…it seemed all too banal….

As I glanced at the Moonless sky for a while…
The dream that I had realized seemed all too futile…

You had left behind your world just for me
But I had waived it off in a selfish spree….

I now longed to be warm and I longed to let you go….
You could sense my uneasiness…and let it be soo..

Huh!!….What a great irony…
Now when I can feel you in my arms…

I want to just see you from my balcony…

Ooo Dear! I lament all my lies…
And I know No Sorry would ever suffice…

I know I have hurt you …
And That’s something even I despise…

I let you go…
I set you free…
I grant you your wish
to always hate me….

As you go from my balcony into the splendid sky…
I can only feel sorry and bid you good bye….

I couldn’t comprehend…How could I not know??
I couldn’t figure out… how could I do so…

How could I ever ignore…
Something that I loved so much before??

How could I ever Say….
“The Moon wasn’t pretty any more?”