I cannot hear.
There are tears.
On the pillow.
Inside my ear-phones.
The same songs play again and again.
They are Korean and I don’t understand them.
So I choose to hear them now.
Inside my head like a typhoon, Thoughts rush.
Fears grip me, tears gush.
I thought I was Hollow. Empty.
But the tears had filled me all this while.
I stuff my pillow into my mouth and Scream.
My body aches.
The soul weeps.
The ceiling fan goes on.
And I stop.
I wish I hadn’t spoken up all that I said.
You thought I talk too much.
I wish I had spoken up just once for myself and told you how it hurts.
You thought I was being cruelly silent.
I want to sleep.
I want to wake up from a sleep.
I want to sweat my eye brows.
I don’t want to wet my eyes.
I want to work hard like a maniac.
I want to pray on bended knees.
I want to possess peace.
I want to smile on the way.
I want to cry on the victory stump.
I want to Believe.
But when faith shatters.
It hurts. It pains.
Everything real seems sinfully surreal.
I want to be different from who I have been.
I want to be indifferent to all that I have known-
Past, People, Pain.
I jump from the feigned sleep.
Tears on my pillow, in my hair,
in my ears, in my fears.
In my throat,
I switch on the lights.
I gaze at the mirror.
Black rings encircling my eyes.
Somber, Silent , Scared eyes.
I shoo away my ghost,
I row my hair slowly like a river.
The waves seem soft.
while the world has hardened.
I put on the glasses over the tears.
but they haven’t helped me see through truth.
Forgive! My heart says!
Forgive yourself. Forgive them.
I grab the Lord’s picture on my table.
I bathe him with my tears.
I pick up my pen,
The words don’t flow.
There is silence in the ink…
“One more day of doing nothing.
One more day of being nothing.”